It's Been A While....

It's been a while since I posted. And, for that I apologize. I am alive and well! And I am sure I have a lot of catching up to do on all your blogs! I've really missed my blog friends, alot. Thanks to everyone who sent little notes checking up on me.

Basically, once we found out we weren't bringing home the September baby, I started to avoid anything "adoption". Thus, it became difficult for me to keep up on my blog. In many ways, I am still avoiding "adoption" of any sort. Most days it doesn't seem like a reality anymore and hope doesn't exist.

It's been over 12 weeks since our caseworker gave me the sad news. I have heard nothing from her since. . . NOTHING. I respect our agency and all the workers, therefore, I am trying very hard not to think negative thoughts. BUT - telling a couple they aren't getting a baby they had high hopes and not following up, to me, is very poor. I simply cannot wrap my brain around why they don't put effort into keeping communication open between themselves and hopeful, adoptive couples.

So, we've been busy doing other things.. .. working hard, going out, doing things around the house, etc.

That's my adoption up-date. Wish I had better news to share.

Halloween 2007

We took a lickin' and kept on tickin'! :-)

I am still out here! I've been trying to live my life as close to "normal" as possible and not dwell so much on the adoption. Truthfully, this last situation knocked the wind out of our sails. We're discouraged, I'll admit it. It's kinda hard to believe it will ever happen. Last week we passed the 4 year mark, since visiting our agency for the first time.

A dear and caring friend contacted us a few weeks back asking for a copy of our profile (thanks Donna) to pass along to her attorney. It's a good feeling to know it's also in the hands of a attorney who specializes in adoption and not just our agency.

All we can do is wait - just as we have in the past.

We've been busy - very busy. We had relatives come up from Kentucky & Indiana. What a great time we had. We had a wedding to attend - another great time catching up with old friends. I've been amazingly busy at work. We're enjoying some stupendous Fall weather! WNY doesn't usually get this lucky. The temperatures have been great! Looking forward to some great foliage this week and next. We're celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this weekend. Not sure how- but I am sure whatever we do it will be special. We need it.

I am very behind on all the blogs I read. I may have to just jump back in and move forward. So, if you have some news I might like to hear, please let me know!

I have some apples I need to do something with. If anyone has any great recipes, pass them on! I'll be forever grateful.

My brother sent me some great new pix of my nephew - I just have to include them in this post.

Notes From BT

Going through such a tough time, I am reminded of how much I love my dear husband, BT.

The night we received the sad news, he left me a note before leaving for work.

It read:

"Tonight you told me why we're probably not getting the baby. I know this just broke your heart. It's breaking mine, too. We need to put some hope into this situation. I know there's not much. But, there's just enough chance that I do not want to give up. If God or the lawyers don't get through to him, I will still pray for our baby. No, I don't want more heartache or false starts, I want a baby. I am willing to go through more of these to get our little one. I'll be here for you- please stay here for me. I love you forever! XOXOXOXO BT"

Tonight, he left me another note.

It read:

" I love you because you still dream! I love you because you have faith and love. I have hope. You told me today about your dream, that showed me you have hope, too. Stick with your hopes and dreams - and stick with me!
Promise? XOXOXOXOX Brian "

He's so brave! And I am so in love with him. :-)

Last Night I Dreamt....

Last night I had a dream. A long dream. You know the type, you wake up and when you fall back to sleep you're right back in the dream? It was beautiful, so realistic.

BT and I brought home a baby girl, we named Molly Jayne. She was tiny, with darker hair and perfectly round, vibrant dark eyes. We were in love.

She was a good baby. I worried I wouldn't feed her enough or change her often because she rarely fussed. The only time she fussed was if we tried to give her to someone else to hold, she would stiffen those tiny legs and fuss so we'd keep her in our arms. Of course, I loved every minute of that.

I was holding her up, talking to her and referred to myself as "Mommy" for the first time. I paused to remember how right that sounded, so natural - and I could finally say it.

I was keeping a journal for her, writing down special things about her. The last thing I remember was telling her I was going to write a journal entry about how beautiful her eyes were.

I swear, I felt the connection, the bond, between her and I, IN A DREAM.

I didn't want to wake up today.

Sunday Night

It's Sunday night. We needed the weekend, the quiet . . . it helped. We're better tonight. We've had a lot of support - friend/family who cried right along with us, who felt our pain and sympathized with us.

I had a tremendous amount of support from BT. Although his heart is breaking, right along with mine, he's been there for me through every tear and doubt.
I love him so much!!!

It would of been so easy to lose hope, to allow our faith to waver. I'll admit, we came close. But when you know the Lord - you're often reminded HE is right there and has the perfect plan for YOU. He had a reason, perhaps to spare us of heartaches down the road. We may never know. What we do know is that we are looking forward to the day we will bring a baby home.
Perhaps that day will be sooner than we think. Perhaps we'll wait a while again.

We went to church again today. I thought it would be difficult. It was fine, actually.

Perhaps we're facing a better week ahead -I hope so.

Waiting, again ....

She returned my call.

Most of it is a blur.

The Director of the agency told her to tell me it is not looking good. They spoke to the attorney before calling me. Apparently, he spoke to the bfather several times (as did the agency) and he is not cooperating with the adoption plan AT ALL. It would take a miracle for things to turn around.

Although I wished I hadn't, I asked if she had the baby. She said "Patti, I was hoping you wouldnt ask that, she had the baby and it is in our care". That stung! How horrible! The baby is here- and we are ready and willing to bring it home. BUT, because he won't cooperate, the baby is in a TLC home. It's just not right!

What is going to happen to this precious baby? Since the baby is in the custody of our agency, I am assuming the mother signed at the hospital. But, she believes she may have to keep the baby, if he doesn't turn around.

So, we're waiting again -

I feel so let down - my whole world is tipped up-side down. BT is sad.

Giving up seems so much easier.

Adoption Talk

Since we have entered a new phase in the adoption process (from "waiting" to "chosen") I have also found a new adoption forum full of wonderful women from all aspects of the triad!
It's rather exciting to meet new people - and to learn so much from them.

Between forums and blogs and e-mail and chat - I am spending way too much time on-line.
I really should be cleaning and organizing and preparing for the baby. But - I am guarding my heart - not knowing for sure what the outcome is going to be. And I am simply enjoying all my internet friends. Who ever would of thunk it? ;)

In the meantime, one day soon, my world is going to take some serious turns. I'll be asking myself - "Why didn't I prepare?"

I Called The Agency :-)

I had a thought, to just go ahead and call the agency this morning. Before I changed my mind, I called. Wouldn't you know, our SW called in sick? :-( I spoke to a very nice woman at the front desk who is going to let her know I called for an up-date! So, fingers crossed, we may hear something this week afterall.

In other news, I saw the endocrinologist yesterday. The nodule on my thyroid is very small and the lab results are all within normal range. For now, she will keep an eye on it, repeating the ultrasound in one year.

Work is very busy today - as we are short by one staff member. I better get back to my duties.

Flying Ace

My nephew is loving PURDUE UNIVERSITY and LOVES to FLY! :-)

Nursery Window Treatments

OK, I thought I would wait, but decided to show off my window treatments! I am so proud of them....and can't wait to finish the rest of the room. I just had to share them with all of you!

One week later ....

A week is a long time (for me) to go without posting a blog entry. I've had good intentions. But, honestly, the adoption is taking up most of my brain space. And, being that there is no news, it's tough. I have mixed feelings about not hearing from them. I love our agency, I love the people and I love their philosophy. But she has not been consistent with me and that is troubling.

We completed the window treatments in the nursery - which is one task off my list. I think they look fabulous. I thought about posting pix, but I think I'll wait until the room is complete.

I am embarrassed to admit this publicly, but BT and I had fallen out of our usual church routine. We estimated we hadn't been to our home church in about 17 months. We've both struggled with it and agreed we need to be involved in a good, Bible believing church with the baby.
So, we went back to the church I grew up in and we were married in. It was great to see everyone - and alot of changes. My sister and her family go there, so naturally our nieces were thrilled to be with us. After church we went to their house for sandwiches and chili. Yum!
So, we're praying about where God wants us. If this is where HE wants us, we'll stay - and BT says he may even join the choir. :-) I am glad we went - it's definitely the best way to start your week. Oh, it's a smaller church, but I did "peek" and see there are little ones in the nursery ;).

No News May Be Good News?

Robin suggested "NO NEWS may be GOOD NEWS". I hope she's right! It's been a long, hard weekend - just wondering why we are not hearing from anyone.

I am not sure how long they have to find him. But I do know that he has up to 18 mths. before the judge will terminate his right, in the event they do not locate him prior to placement.

I am not "banned" from calling the agency. But, I need to respect their policies. The truth is, had they not needed to talk to me about the bfather risk, I would have no idea we were chosen.

And so.... as we begin a new week, perhaps this will be the week we'll hear more.

In the meantime, I continue praying:

1. For our birth mother - a safe delivery and peace upon making her final decision.


2. For our birth father - he will be comfortable and cooperative with her plan.

3. For our agency and all the wonderful staff.

4. For us ... as we wait to bring our forever baby home.

5. For a short wait between the birth and judical surrender.

6. Above all - for the sweet little baby we are all anxiously awaiting! :-)

2 weeks down ...

It's been 2 weeks since we found out we were chosen.

We're dying to know how things are going with the bfather- but the phone remains silent.

I am "thinking" this is a good sign. If he was not cooperating, I would "think" we would of been informed of the risks. Unless, they are having trouble finding him or getting a reply? Something tells me it's the later of the two.

God Does The Impossible

"There are miracles that happen all the time - like Moses parting the Red Sea - and every once in a while God does something really impossible just to remind us that's He is God. He changes somebody's heart."

I read this in a book today, written by Michael*McLean. The words touched my heart so deeply, as I am going through a very rough time. This is my prayer - that God will change someone's heart.

Baby Laundry....

I washed baby laundry this weekend! It's so much fun to wash baby stuff - everything is fluffy, soft and smells so good! Why can't it be this much fun to do our own laundry? ;o)

PS ...

I didn't hear from the adoption agency today. I feel like the bfather is going to be cooperative, but I am still eager to hear how things go.
Perhaps tomorrow we'll get some up-lifting news! Think positive, right?
BT and I are still thinking optimistically. . . and getting through each day with a little faith and a prayer.

Horrible, No Good Day!

Today was a horrible, no good day. It had nothing to do with the adoption, thank goodness.

It was work related. I spent my entire day upset - in tears. Running my own business has been such a blessing. But, when things pan out as they did today - I just want to lock the doors and walk away. I work too hard to be treated the way I was today.

It was all because one person was having a bad day. It was quite clear she was on a power trip and looking to satify her need by hurting someone else. I don't understand people like that. Just what gives them the authority to think they can rule the world?

But, the truth is - it's better to be the person who is hurt, than to be the miserable person and take it out on the people around them. At least I can go to bed tonight not feeling bad for my actions and words.

Perhaps a good night's sleep will do us all some good. If things don't work out tomorrow, I have to hire an attorney. . . all because of one very miserable, miserable person. Sad.

Pray for me! Sometimes it's so hard to "Let Go and Let God" ... expecially in such circumstances. But, I know that's what I need.

No News, Really ... Just My Thoughts For Tonight

No new news to deliver.

Today was a pretty typical day. It's started off rough 'cuz I was sleeping really good this morning when I HAD to get up to go meet with our insurance agent. If only I could of slept a little longer. But I didn't - I drug myself out of bed, to the kitchen and then to the computer.
My morning ritual rarely changes. I stop in the kitchen for my *Kashi* (or *Special-K*, or *Cheerios*) cereal with milk and banana (or blueberries) and a big ole cup of *Senseo* and I sit down to wake-up in front of the computer. First thing I read is *Today's*Word*with*Joel*Osteen*, delivered right to my e-mail. If you're looking for a good devotion - give it a try. I don't think you'll be disappointed. Most of the time, it's just what I need to start my day.

Work went well today. It's a busy, busy time, as we are inbetween programs. This is the last week of Summer Camp. We had such a great summer, it's sad to see it come to a close.
School starts next week - we have many new faces this year. We are so blessed.

My sister came by tonight to help me decide what to do with the windows in the nursery. I have such funky shaped windows, it's never easy. We're going to hang room-darking shades, underneath the *Classic Pooh* curtains I previously posted. I have to take them for alterations .. but I love them so much it will be worth it. She was pleasantly surprised to see how well the room is coming.

I struggled for a few days, wondering if I should proceed with the room or wait. I decided to keep working on it, as I was doing all along.

I feel I am in the right mind-set, knowing there is always that chance the bmom could change her mind. I would be ok. Sad, yes ... but the saddness would last too long. I need to be understanding and accepting. She needs to do what she is most comfortable - and she needs to know she is making the right decision. Without the comfort I find in our God, I could not think this way. I would selfishly lash out at Him for not placing the baby with us. But, I've learned to trust in Him, knowing HE has the perfect plan. I just can't wait to experience the joys of whatever His plan may be. Now ... I do feel deep in my heart this is the one for us - nothing could make me happier. All I can do it wait and see. Oh... and pray of course, for the bmother, bfather, agency and us! :-)

I have been thinking about her (bmom) a lot. She has requested to not meet us. And, that's ok- I respect her decision. But I know I'll always wonder what's she like. I imagine her to be a sweet person, with an unselfish heart. I think about how I will always, always be grateful to her for giving us such a precious gift. I am sure I will have a "picture" in my head of what she may look like and carry it close to my heart for many years. What a brave soul she is.

Adoption Up-Date

I did speak to our CW this morning.

Earlier she had mentioned trying to contact the bfather over the weekend. But, when I spoke to her today, she said they had not yet tried to contact him. She doesn't seem to think it's going to be too hard to locate him. The question is - how cooperative will he be?

She verified we had indeed been chosen. But, as in any adoption plan, we won't know for sure until after delivery. Apparently, she is concerned about her signing because she has a child already and it may make it harder.

I asked about the due date - she said it was later in the month. For some reason, she doesn't seem to want to tell me the actual due date.

I felt sad this morning. . just thinking about the "what if's". I wasn't feeling as elated as I felt after her message from Friday.

I would just like to know more! But, I keep reminding myself, had it not been for the bfather risk issue, we wouldn't even know we were chosen.

God has a plan - and I know I can not control it. It's just so hard to let go and wait.

BT and I talked tonight. This is the first time both of us have felt this good about a plan.

Although we know nothing is certain at this time - we feel in our hearts this is the baby for us. I've often heard the expression "Just follow your hearts" .. I hope our hearts are right.

September is going to be a long month.

Oh, I picked out some curtains for the nursery -

* * * * * *

Work is crazy! I can't wait 'til the Back-To-School rush os over. I like the consistency of the school year. Summer is great, much more laid back - but I'm ready for some order.

I did something exciting tonight! I signed up to accept credits cards at the day care center.

We're now accepting Mastercard & Visa!!!!! :-)