Ups & Downs

Tuesday Evening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My emotions have been all over the place.

I felt much better when Dad started showing signs of improvement after being OFF one of the pain medications over the past 48 hours.

I hadn't been in to see him, I HAD to take a few days to process things. After work tonight, we went to see him. He was better- but still in SO MUCH pain and very confused.

I left feeling there is a little more hope. Perhaps things will get better?

THEN..... on the way home, we received a phone call from my sister. The neuro-surgeon called with results of an MRI Dad had on Monday. They found "something" on his spine and need to do further testing immediately. Soooooo, they transferred him downtown, to the larger hospital at 10:00 at night! They want to run further tests first thing tomorrow.

Again, I am trying to sort through my thoughts. Can't help but wonder what the future holds.
I know we aren't supposed to worry - God is in complete control. But, it's so, so hard not to.

I am going to bed now. Tomorrow is another day. Another day of perhaps many more UPS and DOWNS. Thank you God, for holding us in the palms of your hands.

PS .... A note to anyone who may be reading this post. Be SURE your loved ones have a H.EALTH C.ARE P.ROXY in place and someone is aware of their wishes! If necessary, a D.N.R. should also be in place. Don't wait until something happens, you just never know. Trust me, it's important.

Up-Date On My Dad....

My Dad came home from rehab on Friday morning, much to my disagreement. I was right . . again, they were very wrong. We had so many problems with them, from sending the wrong charts to Dad's physician, to filling his medications improperly. Anyhow, we brought him home and he collapsed at the front door. I injured my back trying to hold him up. Ended up having to call the paramedics to carry him up 6 steps. They just looked at me and said "G - - - - -'s sent him home like this?" And "Now what are you going to do?". He was on the couch in horrible pain ALL day. When I went to the pharmacy to fill his meds, the orders were all wrong. They sent him home with insulin and NO DOSING instructions. I called the home and the DIRECTOR said "We are very sorry but once they are discharged I can not help you". Needless to say, we called 911 again and Dad is back in the hospital. Yesterday, I found him completely undressed in a wet bed. He knew our names, but was hallucinating really bad. He's lost control of his bladder and his eyes roll around. He keeps telling me he's going to die. My gut feeling is that he knows what's talking about. And, if this is how life is going to be, he's entitled to that. I broke down at the hospital last night. BT was having a tough time and my heart was breaking. I felt bad because my nieces got off the elevator and found me crying in the waiting area. The kids are all so sad, as it is. So, We need your prayers, please.

Stuff...

Days have been rather draining for me, both emotionally and physically. I feel like I should be stronger, but I am not. I am really worried about my parents, my Dad in particular.

Yesterday was BT's birthday! ( Happy 38th Honey, I love you soooo much XOXOXO ) I didn't have a present - and he was home sleeping. So, when I got out of work I decided to go to T a r g e t! Our T a r g e t is one with S t a r b u c k s inside. I treated myself to a Hot Chai Tea and browsed, very slowy, through the store. It felt so good to be alone and get my mind off things. I ended up buying my DH "H o w I M e t Y o u r M ot h e r" Season 2 DVD's and gift cards for i tunes. My honey was happier than a pig in mud ;-) !

But, I needed to buy SOMETHING to perk me up! I walked through the baby department (which I've been avoiding for several months) and saw a Graco Pack 'n Play I really like. AND ..it was on Sale! Normally $100, on sale through Saturday for $70. And .... YES! I bought it! And it felt good.

Here's a photo -

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Today was another draining day - I don't mean to sound like a downer - it's just really, really hard. An old friend surprised me at work and stopped by for a visit. She made my day. It felt so good to see her and talk to her. I need to e-mail her and let her know how wonderful it was to see and thank her for her genuine concern. She's a sweetie! I am so lucky to have her as my friend.

My sister took Dad to a new neurologist today. He is reviewing Dad's history (still waiting for all the records to come in) and told my sister he is not convinced Dad has P a r k i n son's Disease.

WHAT ON EARTH? Could my Dad have been misdiagnosed for over 2 years? AND what about all the medication he was taking to treat P a r k i n son's Disease? I am not sure what to think of it. Except, could it be a good thing? Could my Dad have something treatable afterall? We shall see.

In the meantime, he is being released from Rehab tomorrow to come home. We're excited to bring him home, yet afraid.

Time for a good night's rest!

We're in a good place to be!

I had a wonderful discussion with the adoption agency Director yesterday morning.

BT and I have been very anxious about the length of our wait. For those of you who do not know, we're now into our 4th year of waiting.

Some very important questions we had:

• Has the agency "wait time" changed over the 4 year period? We understood an average wait time to be 2 years.


• Are they placing babies? How often?


• Are other couples who went through home study with us still waiting, as well?


• Should we consider changing our profile to help us gain exposure?

First, we talked about the "wait" overall. We talked about the many reasons it is so hard to place a "time limit" on the wait. So, so many factors are involved. But, yes, many of the couples have been waiting a long, long time.

April proved to be a successful month for the agency as they placed 5 babies in their forever homes. This is A LOT for our small agency. Praise God!

Although they typically do not like to disclose this information, we are COUPLE # 3, which is a very good place to be! This "could" change, however unlikely, in the event another couple who has worked with the agency and been on "hold" decides to become active again. The two couples ahead of us have both waited 1 year longer than we. The two couples below us went through home study around the same time we did.

Now, just because we are COUPLE # 3, this does not mean placement will happen in that order.

Typically, when a birthparent decides she is ready to view parent profiles, the agency considers her wishes for her baby and matches her to couples who share most of the same preferences.

They will then show her the first 5 (who, of course, she shares the most preferences).

Many times the birthmother will choose from the first 5, however she is not obligated and is given the opportunity to view the next 5 if she so chooses. So you can see how easy it would be to be passed by.

She pulled out profile and shared much of the activity with me. We were shown many times we were not even aware of. We were chosen on at least 1 occasion (perhaps more), that didn't work out because the birthfather did not support placement. She felt our profile is showing well and does not need changes. However, we are always welcome to send new pictures and pages. And... if we'd like to discuss preferences, we may do so with our caseworker. In the Directors honest opinion, she did not feel we needed to.

Oh... while discussing how difficult the wait can be, I shared my feelings about family and friends putting on the pressure, doubting our choices, etc. We agreed sometimes when people think they are actually helping, they are in fact, only hurting and taking away from our journey. It's hard to understand why people who love us, can't seem to accept our choices. Instead of doubting, judging, etc. . why can't some people cheer us on, encourge us and hold us up in prayer?

Anyhow.....

We're up there at the top of the list! Activity is happening! Our birthmother just hasn't found us, yet! We feel better knowing all of this. God is good and has a plan!

Baby Names

We've been discussing names again ....

last night we came up with "Ginni Alexandra" for a girl.

My grandmother's name was Virginia (thus Ginni) and my grandfather was Alexander (thus Alexandra).

We both like it, alot.

Boys names are much harder, I think.

We've been . . . . b u s y .

My Dad has been through so much. After another jaunt in the hospital, he is now in a rehab facility. For those of you who do not know, my Dad has Parkinson's Disease and several other issues. It has been so hard, emotionally and physically. And, the thought of trying to put the whole story into words is less than appealing. I apologize, but it is too draining. Basically, your prayers are much appreciated for my Dad and all our family.

We celebrated a couple of birthdays this month.

Happy 12th Birthday to my beautiful niece, Cortlynn Jayne.

And . . . A very happy 3rd Birthday to the cutest 3 year old on earth, my nephew Jaxon.

We hadn't seen him in 5 months. He has grown up so! I was amazed with this vocabulary -

he's doing super! He is so smart - and sooooo well behaved! I am so proud of him, can you tell? ;)

Mom and Dad signed him up for Preschool, starting this Fall.

He'll be the first of 5 to not go to his Aunt's Pre-K, kinda sad for me. But, a 3 hour drive to Preschool would be a little much ;)!

One Word

One Word

I found this on Camille's blog. And she's right - it's harder than it looks.

One Word

You.

Can.

Only.

Type.

One.

Word.

Not as easy as you might think!

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair? Curly
4. Your mother? Shower
5. Your father? Ill
6. Your favorite thing? God
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Coffee
9. Your dream/goal? Family
10. The room you're in? Dining
11. Your ex? Nonexistent
12. Your fear? Loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Wealthy ;)
14. Where were you last night? Party
15. What you're not? Happy
16. Muffins? Carrot
17. One of your wish list items? Baby
18. Where you grew up? Buffalo
19. The last thing you did? Laundry
20. What are you wearing? Night shirt
21. Your TV? On
22. Your pets? None
23. Your computer? Slow
24. Your life? Overwhelming
25. Your mood? Anxious
26. Missing someone? Anita
27. Your car? Buick
28. Something you're not wearing? Pants
29. Favorite Store? Target
30. Your summer? Camp
31. Like someone? BT
32. Your favorite color? Varies
33. When is the last time you laughed? awhile
34. Do you cry alot? lately
35. Who will/would re-post this? surprise!

1631 Days of Waiting .....

I have a little counter on this blog, indicating the number of days we've been waiting to adopt. We have recently entered our 1,631st day. That day was October 10, 2003. On that date, BT and I visited our agency for the first time. It was an orientation type meeting. I always considered it to be our first day toward adoption. But that excitement has dwindled. It's been a mix of emotions, I'd rather not even think about. It's been challenging. It's been rewarding. It's been depressing and sad. And, I know that is all going to change the very moment our baby is placed in our arms. I look forward to it, I do.

We've been through the motions. We put together a well-done nursery, we bought bottles (lot of bottles), diapers, pacifiers in every color, we've talked about names, we've chosen a pediatrician, we washed baby clothes (more than once), we've prayed, we've cried, we've dreamt .... in fact, we've covered all the bases. There isn't much left. To me, that's sad.

Even though there is saddness, deep inside, there is hope. Our hope comes from our Lord Jesus Christ. He will not let us down, we just need to be patient and allow Him to carry out His plan. And... I am sure ... that plan is going to be spectacular!

So Baby of Mine - Someday you will know how we dreamt of you, prayed for you, and loved you from the bottom of our hearts, each and every one of those 1631 days! And when we finally hold you in our arms we will feel just how great God is! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Vent ...

B U M M E D

I've always tried to keep my blog up-beat, but tonight, I am, in fact, feeling BUMMED.

First, learning the results of my MRI was difficult. I know what I need to do - but the very fact I will have to deal with this problem the rest of my life is rather depressing. I miss doing the things I used to do and feeling good, most of the time. I know PT will help and I will manage to get my own self back, but for now, it stinks.

Second, hearing so little from our agency for 6 solid months is crazy! The past few days it has been on my mind. I want (and need) to speak with the Director. So, I've been thinking it over, making sure I have all my thoughts and questions ready. Soon... I will call her.

Third, we are not adjusting to BT's newest work schedule, which was supposed to be temporary. Knowing there are other writers who work M - F, set hours, with less seniority is maddening.

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Lately he works -

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Monday . . . . .OFF
Tuesday . . . . OFF
Wednesday . . . 7:00 AM - 3:30 PM
Thursday . . . .1:00 AM - 10:30 AM
Friday . . . . .1:00 AM - 10:30 AM
Saturday . . . .2:00 PM - 11:00 PM
Sunday . . . . .2:00 PM - 11:00 PM

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BT is the type of person who does whatever the boss says, with no complaining.

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Thus, the crappy schedules.
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I feel like crying . . . .

MRI Results

The results are in ..... I heard the official word on my MRI results. I have a condition called
C o n g e n i t a l L u m b a r S t e n o s i s , which started at birth (s p i n a b i f i d a o c c u l t a ) and has progressed slowly over the years. L u m b a r S t e n o s i s is common in the over 60 crowd, but I have a much rarer problem known as c o n g e n i t a l l u m b a r s t e n o s i s . If you're familiar with the different vertebrae in our spine, tests show a slippage (or s p o n d y l o l i s t h e s i s ) of L5 and S1. As a result, there is a narrowing of my spinal chord. The pressure causes a great deal of pain and discomfort. Unfortunately, the problem is not reversible, yet can be stabilized with physical therapy and exercise. I can also consider e p i d u r a l s t e r o i d i n j e c t i o n s (into the effected area) if needed. Surgery is not an option now, but may be something I will need to consider down the road. The doctor believes most (if not all) my pain is a direct result of this condition.

I was secretly hoping for a "quick fix" for all my pain. But, there's some relief knowing it wasn't all in my head - there's truly an answer to why I've had to suffer so much and for so long.

God's Promises

One of the daily devotionals from J o e l O s t e e n touched my heart this week.
I thought I'd post it on my blog... as a reminder to me ... and hopefully many of you who are waiting.

Quote:

Today's Word

Is there something you are believing God for? Does it seem like it’s taking a long time to come to pass? Be encouraged today! The Bible says that through faith and patience you will inherit the promise. You can trust that God’s Word is true. Submit your prayers to the Lord, and keep an attitude of faith and expectancy. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep knocking on the door, and it will be opened to you. It may seem like it’s taking a long time, but know this: God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. He is orchestrating things in your favor. He is perfecting whatever concerns you. Don’t give up! Start thanking God for His faithfulness in your life. As you stay faithful in your prayers and thanksgiving, the Lord will move mightily on your behalf. He’ll take you places that you’ve never dreamed, and you will live the life of victory He has in store for you!

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:8).

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Happy Valentine's Day. . .

I love Valentine's Day - it's so simple and sweet! The children at day care had a great time. Lots of goodies and sweets. BT brought me roses, a card and Tic Tacs!

I'm doing pretty good with maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle. Although I am getting in my walks (20 minutes/day 5-7 times a week), drinking water, taking vitamins, etc.. I am struggling with healthy food choices. However, I am rather proud of my accomplishment to avoid artificial sweetners. I miss them, but I am doing ok. I met a Health Care Counsultant at the mall tonight (while out walking) who told me the best thing I could do to help control my blood is to take cinnamon capsules. She was very knowlegable and helpful. I find it interesting how sometime God conveniently places just the right people in our path.

On the Adoption: I spoke to our cw on Monday morning. BT and I have been tossing about the idea of keeping the baby home for the first year or so. With his latest job change, although the hours are awful and the TV station is taking advantage of him, it will be possible. She suggested we make the change in our profile. But, she also told me that it really hasn't been an issue. She said they (the agency) and bmoms have found it to be a positive thing that I would be right there at the day care.

But now ....there's a possibility things may be changing at Day Care...so I am not sure we should make the change just yet. I've had some possible business opportunities the past few weeks. I won't get into them this early on. There are a lot of questions to be answered and kinks to be ironed out. If you are a prayful person, please keep this in your prayers.


“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans for hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

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Wellness!

Tomorrow is THE DAY -

I've made a commitment to change my way of life, starting tomorrow (2/11).

I need to be a healthier ME ... and only I can make it happen. But, my dear blog readers, I will need your support.

I am promising to walk 5-7 times a week. . . eat healthy . . . drink water . . . take vitamins . . . NOT consume artificial sweetners (I'd kill for a diet Pepsi right now). . . get the appropriate amount of sleep . . . and pray more!

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Let it begin..... Anyone care to join me?

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"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philipians 4:13

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I've Been Tagged!

RULES:

I've been tagged by Colette!! Please visit her at http://wearenow3.blogspot.com/

Once tagged, link back to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 people and link to them. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 Random or Weird Facts About Me:

1. Spiders scare me! I scream and yell for Brian! If he's not home, I am in big trouble.

2. I am a night owl.

3. Unlike Colette, I love to be alone! I love being with BT just as much - but my alone time is wonderful, too!

4. I always wear socks!

5. I hate getting my haircut!

6. I will not leave the house without a shower first!

7. I love to talk on the phone.

Bonus: I LOVE COFFEE

I am tagging:

1. Anne . . . . . . . http://annabellz-livetolearn.blogspot.com/

2. Camille . . . . . http://inmommyland.blogspot.com/

3. Dale . . . . . . . .http://blueyes113.wordpress.com/

4. Kathy . . . . . . http://kathyskorner4.blogspot.com/

5. Mandy . . . . .http://the-joys-of-asha.blogspot.com/

6. Ragan . . . . . .http://crazythinglove.blogspot.com/

7. Robin . . . . . . http://mommy2ablessing.blogspot.com/

BONUS: Stephanie . . .http://garcias2chile.blogspot.com/

A Welcomed Call From Our Agency

Tuesday morning, I woke to the sound of the telephone ringing. I missed it. Immediately, my cell rang. This time I got to it on time. On the other end was the adoptive parent caseworker for our agency. The call was short, simple and sweet. But ... of course welcomed.

She asked "IF I had a situation where the birthfather is "unknown", would you and Brian be okay with it". Of course, I said "Yes"! It caught me by surprise because there have been other similiar situations in the past and she knew then we were ok with it. I am thinking they must have to ask each time, since it does say "Little or No Birthfather Risk" in our preferences.

Although she worded it with a big "IF" it was pretty clear she is currently working on a situation and will be showing our profile.

I promised myself I WOULD NOT get too hopeful. Yeah, right....
I am doing better than in the past, but of course it's in the back of my mind. And, in a way it pulled me out of th slump where I was not allowing myself to think like an waiting adoptive Mommy.

What a mix of emotion.

I may and may not hear more from her. But, it can't hurt to pray - and ask for your prayers!

Chocolate Cake & Wellness!

It's nearing midnight, I am exhausted, but waiting for a chocolate butter cake to come out of the oven! Tomorrow is my business partner's birthday so I am making her a delicious cake! She loves my creamy, butter frosting.

Today was a long, long day. I woke up with horrendous back pain on Saturday. Literally nursed it all weekend and I am still in pain. So, I went to the chiropractor today. He got good movement, but the pain is still pretty bad. The spine doctor gave me a prescription, which is helping better than the over-the-counter remedies I was trying. I also found out the insurance company approved my lumbar MRI and Physical Therapy. Next step, call to make the appointments.

We had staff training tonight. The class was on "Wellness". I found it very interesting and learned a few new things. For one, I need to eat healthier (although I make better choices than the majority of the women in the class) and cut back on artificial sweetners.
Second, I need to get more exercise, at least 20 minutes a day, 5 - 7 days a week. Third, Vitamin D, Magnesium and Acidophilus would be very good for me. Fourth, I need to make some changes and take care of me!!

Somehow it's now 1:30 AM - I am off to bed. Tomorrow, I'll post about the phone call that woke me this morning.

My Birthday Cupcakes!

These are the cupcakes my nieces, Cortlynn and McKenna made for my birthday! I think they did a phenominal job, don't you? The best news, they tasted even better!!

Happy Birthday To ME!

Today is my favorite day of the year - my BIRTHDAY!
I'm getting older - that I do not celebrate. I celebrate because it's my day! The day my Mamma brought me into the world - the one day a year I can call mine! Some say I am just like a kid - but that's ok - it only happens once a year!

Not sure what the plans are for the day - but I am sure we'll be spending time with family.
My nieces were hard at work last night making me very special cupcakes. I understand they got pretty creative. I'll have to take pictures to share on my blog!

Thanks for the sweet comments in response to my last post! It is good to be back - and I am gonna try to take better care of this blog. . . . . .

Please Forgive Me!

I have seriously neglected my blog - and more importantly my blog friends. And, for that I am sorry. The sad part is - I can come up with a gazillion excuses, but really not one good reason. So, please, just forgive me.

I can't really complain. I am doing okay.

I'll admit - it took me a long time to get back up and brush off my pants after the failed match we experienced in September. To make matters worse- we hear nothing - nada - zilch- from our adoption agency. It is my opinion it stinks! Do they think adoptive parents need NO support? How much would it hurt to call once in a while - with agency up-dates and support? It's so hard because I like the agency so much.

We find we don't speak of the adoption on a daily basis like we used to. Just this week BT left me a note and in it he said "I've noticed you don't speak of the adoption anymore. You haven't given up, have you?". I am still searching for the right answer to that question.

Business is steady. But, we really need an increase! We're busy developing new plans and programs all the time. I really love my job - it's just time for some changes.

I've been sick. Shortly before Christmas, I started with sinus congestion, in January I developed a sinus infection and bronchitis. After a round of zithromax, I was still having problems - my throat would swell, causing a great deal of throat and ear pain. Next I took a round of prednisone. I am at the tail end of prednisone and still getting sore throats and headaches.

So, as you can see - there's really no big news to share. . . except that I am back and promise to be more faithful.

(((((Hugs)))))

Let it snow! Let is snow! Let it snow!

Like everyone else in the northeast, we're in the midst of a snow storm. It's been coming down steady for over 24 hours. It's not supposed to let up for a while. It's a pretty snow, at least. The kind that falls like sugar and sparkles like diamonds! We're going to have a white Christmas, afterall. That makes ME very HAPPY!

So my sister, Donna, decides to brave the elements and take the girls to the park for pictures. They turned out REALLY nice. For your enjoyment .....