Meltdown!

I am surprised I am posting this as I had decided not to. I didn't want to rehash the emotions. But as I read other blogs of "adoptive Mommies in waiting" I could feel their pain, understand their tears and realize it's ok to have a meltdown once in while! Why sweeten it up? It is what it is .. a very difficult and painful journey that will someday find a happy ending. But in the meantime, it just sucks.

Christmas was so hard for many of us. I know my emotions were running in many directions. BT was working Christmas Eve, I was home alone ...surrounded by last minute things to be done. I had a meltdown! Yes, I did. A MAJOR MELTDOWN. Tears, outbursts, you name it.

I was feeling sorry for myself. It's been an incredibly tough year. I've rolled with the punches and done what I needed to get through. I walked the halls of 5 hospitals and 3 rehab facilities night after night, often into late hours. I've seen my father go from a strong, solid man to a completely dependent nursing home patient. My mother's health has declined. And still is declining. Her heart simply isn't doing it's job. My business has felt the loss of my time and energy. My husband has often been cast aside. My closest friends have stood in the background. We had a few adoption situations, none of which placed a baby in our arms. I couldn't help but cry out, "What have I done so wrong?" And I wondered outloud "Why me, Lord?"

God couldn't give me the answers to my questions. It isn't for me to figure out. He did allow me to cleanse my soul, to let go of all those negative emotions. Now it is up to me to continue trusting Him with all my being, knowing He has the perfect plan and the perfect baby just for us! It isn't always easy to Let Go and Let God, but it's certainly something we all need to do. How much easier it will be to leave the worrying to God and enjoy my life the way it is right now! To take the time to recognize and savor the blessings all around us that are too often overlooked. This is truly all He asks of me.

In the meantime, my faith remains..unwavered. And, I am thankful for my meltdown (did I really say that?)

For those of you who are waiting, we share a common bond. Our feelings are real. We are entitled! God is good. Let Go! Trust Him. We'll be ok! Stick together. Cry when you want to! Laugh everyday. Dream! Pray. Call a friend! Hug someone! Make a difference in the world. And...Keep Looking Up! :-)

I'll do the same.

A Neat Story....

This is a neat little story I wanted to put in writing, just because you never know.

A few nights ago I was in bed, BT was working. It was very late and I should of been asleep. A thought came to me. We really haven't decided on baby names! I began to wonder what would happen if we got a call and didn't have a name picked out? When suddenly a name popped in my head (both first and middle). It's a name I never thought about and one I clearly glanced over when browsing baby name books. It's not on my list - but I fell in love with it! I shared this with Brian the next day - and he loves it! We've decided to keep the name a secret! Afterall, perhaps there is something behind what happened!

The next day, BT and I were shopping at Target. While browing the Christmas aisle, I thought about purchasing an angel ornament to hang and leave up until we get our baby. I didn't think it would be so hard to find a simple angel! Finally, I found one small, shiny, silver angel hanging alone. The odd thing is ... I didn't buy it. After holding it and pausing to think about where our little one might be, I hung it back on the shelf and walked away. The next day at work, I received a small package from a family at my center. Inside was the angel I had seen at Target! I couldn't believe it!

Maybe I am being silly, but I truly think these little messages provide hope... that our baby is coming and hope to get me through the holidays!

Just wanted to share.

C H R I S T mas

C H R I S T mas .....

We all (with the exception of my brother and his family) met at Mom's for brunch which included broccoli/cheese quiche, orange french toast, fresh fruit salad, Preacher Ham and lots of sweet goodies. We grew up on Preacher Ham from Mom's hometown Kentucky! We are so thankful they ship hams all over the US... and the service to great!

Our gift exchange was simplified...we drew names. BT and I received a certificate for a night in a Jacuzzi suite with dinner for two and breakfast for two at a new place in town called Salvatore's Grand. Of course, we can't wait to go! It will be a nice break after a very difficult year.

We visited Dad at the home but unfortunately he was wiped out... probably a result of pain meds. He doesn't remember us being there. OH!....BT and I found an awesome 15" digital photo frame! We're filling it with family pictures and setting it to run continuously in his room. He is going to LOVE it.

BT worked Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after. . and he's now working the weekened. We haven't had a chance to celebrate and our gifts to eachother remain unwrapped.

It's been very hard on me to accept his schedule. . always working weekends . . always working holidays. But as those of you in Buffalo already know, they've been letting on-air personalities go and even offered the union employees a buy-out. So, we're just thankful BT is still working and getting the hours. We're hoping and praying all the changes will give BT a better schedule for the new year.

Most importantly, the reason for this wonderful holiday remains the same and has not been forgotten. Christ loved us all enough to send his infant Son to the world; promising those of us who believe in Him eternal life! What better gift is there than that? And to think it was made possible through one tiny child.

Merry Christmas To All ....

And to ALL a good-night!

I am leaving you with just a glimpse of little ones at my center. Christmas truly is all about the children.... As it should be. Afterall, it all started because of one very small child.

Would anyone like to guess who the man is in the Red Suit? ;)

Jaxon & Santa

My adorable nephew with Santa!
Life doesn't get any better than this! ;)
Am I a proud Aunt or what?

Just A Little Up-date

BT called our SW yesterday. If I had to come up with one word to describe the call, I would say "discouraging" would be the perfect fit.

Let me give you a condensed version of our time line:

October 2003 We attended an orientation at the agency. At that time they were accepting applications. But, they were not accepting couples into the "home study" process.

May 2004 We were invited to begin the home study process.

Dec 2004 Our home study was complete.

Jan 2005 We submitted our completed profile, which officially made us "waiters".

January 2005 - Present We've experienced several situations through our agency as well as a few others we were introduced to through friends and friends-of-friends. None of which resulted in us bringing a baby home.

At the end of this Month we will have officially completed 4 full years of being "waiters" ..with a lot of stories to tell.

So, back to the phone call from yesterday.

BT was told the agency placed 8 babies this year (2008). BUT, there has been little to no activity the past few months. None. We have not been shown. We have not been chosen.

WHAT THE HECK?!

Now, it's the holidays, so of course we're really mourning the absence of a child in our home.

Are we feeling emotional? Very much so! Are we a tad edgy? Perhaps a tad ;)

So, I called a private adoption attorney that comes highly recommended.

Left her a message.. and she called me right back.

We had a great conversation. I will be mailing her a copy of our profile for her review.

I look forward to talking to her again soon.

I also sent an email to another attorney who has our profile. It's been a year, so I thought it would be beneficial to give her a gentle reminder we are still very interested.

New Notebook Computer!

I am having a very exciting day! BT found the perfect notebook computer for me. I needed one that was small, light-weight (5.2 lbs) and ultra-portable, without sacrificing all the features I was looking for. And.. I had to stay within a certain budget.



It is going to make life so much easier - I'll be able to work on QUICKSBOOKS and WORD whereever I am . . home, work, nursing home, hospital, etc . . it's gonna make life so much easier.


I am S O H A P P Y ! ! ! Thank you, BT! You seriously rock!

TAG!

Tag!

You're supposed to do the following:

1. Open the 4th picture folder your computer.

2. Choose the 4th picture and post it on your blog.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same

The above photo is the 4th folder, 4th picture in MY pictures folder. It just happens to be 4 co-workers (including my BT <3) in the C.hannel 4 News Room! How cool is that? OK .... I need to tag 4 persons, but encourage ALL my friendly blog buddies to play along!

Let's see, I am going to randomly choose 4 persons from my Awesome Bloggers List to tag:

PeWee http://meekthejerksandme.blogspot.com/

Stephanie http://iansadoption.blogspot.com/

Debbie http://russianbrown.blogspot.com/

Kathy http://kathyskorner4.blogspot.com/

News Room

So this is what goes on in the News Room!
Very early New's Years celebrations?
And I thought he produced news stories! ;)

Finally, A Great Doctor for ME

I've been seeing a new endo for about 2 months now and I think he's G R E A T . Although I was hesitant to start insulin, it really was a good move. Of course, I didn't want to admit I needed it (denial) .. and I always heard once you go on it, you're on it for life. Wrong! It's most definitely reversible. And... the best part is not having the side effects of swallowing pills!
It's not joyful carrying around my tiny, little "supply" bag. Writing down everything is a pain. And... who likes to prick themselves up to 7 times daily (between shots and checking levels)? But, it's working out for me . . so far.

He works with me. I fax him my diary weekly and he calls to let me know what (if any) changes I should make.

He sent me for lab work ... and to my complete surprise the test revealed I am seriously deficient in both Vitamin B-12 and D. I started Vitamin B-12 two weeks ago. Today I start Vitamin D, taking 50,000 units once a week for 16 weeks, then I can change to an over-the-counter dose on a daily basis.

Why am I writing all this? Because I am thrilled to have found a doctor who takes a real interest and covers all bases! :0) No nurses, no PA's... just good old fashioned doctors care (with today's advance technology). I am also eager to see how I feel in a few months.