I am surprised I am posting this as I had decided not to. I didn't want to rehash the emotions. But as I read other blogs of "adoptive Mommies in waiting" I could feel their pain, understand their tears and realize it's ok to have a meltdown once in while! Why sweeten it up? It is what it is .. a very difficult and painful journey that will someday find a happy ending. But in the meantime, it just sucks.
Christmas was so hard for many of us. I know my emotions were running in many directions. BT was working Christmas Eve, I was home alone ...surrounded by last minute things to be done. I had a meltdown! Yes, I did. A MAJOR MELTDOWN. Tears, outbursts, you name it.
I was feeling sorry for myself. It's been an incredibly tough year. I've rolled with the punches and done what I needed to get through. I walked the halls of 5 hospitals and 3 rehab facilities night after night, often into late hours. I've seen my father go from a strong, solid man to a completely dependent nursing home patient. My mother's health has declined. And still is declining. Her heart simply isn't doing it's job. My business has felt the loss of my time and energy. My husband has often been cast aside. My closest friends have stood in the background. We had a few adoption situations, none of which placed a baby in our arms. I couldn't help but cry out, "What have I done so wrong?" And I wondered outloud "Why me, Lord?"
God couldn't give me the answers to my questions. It isn't for me to figure out. He did allow me to cleanse my soul, to let go of all those negative emotions. Now it is up to me to continue trusting Him with all my being, knowing He has the perfect plan and the perfect baby just for us! It isn't always easy to Let Go and Let God, but it's certainly something we all need to do. How much easier it will be to leave the worrying to God and enjoy my life the way it is right now! To take the time to recognize and savor the blessings all around us that are too often overlooked. This is truly all He asks of me.
In the meantime, my faith remains..unwavered. And, I am thankful for my meltdown (did I really say that?)
For those of you who are waiting, we share a common bond. Our feelings are real. We are entitled! God is good. Let Go! Trust Him. We'll be ok! Stick together. Cry when you want to! Laugh everyday. Dream! Pray. Call a friend! Hug someone! Make a difference in the world. And...Keep Looking Up! :-)
I'll do the same.
The Day the Census Came (Back) to Town
2 weeks ago
8 comments:
Great post. I lot your uplifted spirit at the end.
It is hard. I had many times that I just fell to my knees crying to God why during our wait. I'm glad that you have faith. Don't let go of that faith.
Really praying for blessings to come your way this new year.
You said it Patti...you just have to have faith :) Great post!
Patti
I am so glad you posted. I found this Christmas to be very difficult. We had to renew our home study again just before Christmas and it was really hard watching our third Christmas pass during our wait. I am trying so hard to be as patient as you. Your post gives me strength and reassurance.
Janet
Oh Patti, I'm so sorry. Nothing is worse than waiting. And you are in limbo with so many things. You are right; some times the best thing to do is just cry it out. I'm glad you were able to turn to God and do just that. I'm praying for both of you and your family for the new year.
I think about you often even if I don't post or make contact. Letting Go and Letting God is very hard in most anything that you really want. I am practicing that right now as well and some days are easier than others. I am not a waiting mommy but waiting to see where my new life will take me. It's so hard to have faith some days and I am so happy to see that you are holding your faith because I know that there is a baby out there for you now is just not the right time with everything that's going on in your life. That baby will come when you can put your full attention into that precious little bundle.
Happy New Year and some day we will meet!! Love ya!!
I love this post and I wish I had seen it sooner. I think you are so right that we are allowed to feel the way we feel and we shouldn't sugar coat that all the time. That's one thing I love so much about blogging, it allows me to be real and to truly express myself in ways I sometimes can't in person.
Hang in there...I know your year has had many challenging twists and turns, but your spirit has stayed strong and that is priceless.
Melba
Sorry I'm late to this post! I remember soooooo well....I had too many meltdowns to count! And, I really lost sight of my faith for awhile I think.......I was so angry at God!
I truly pray for your sweet spirit...I pray that God would unfold many wonderful things for you this year!
Pep- I absolutly LOVED this post. I'm so glad that you wrote it!
Meltdowns are part of life for so many of us!! I'm not technical dealing with IF (although I may in fact BE IF), but I still deal with
singleness, lonliness, and childlessness and am now dealing with the missing a close friend who left town with her 3 daughters due to an reportedly abusive situation at her house. I miss her so much!!!! Sorry this comment is such a downer, since you must be delerious with happiness after bringing little Samuel home, but I just wanted you to know that the post you hesitated to write ministered to me tonight. I'm sure you will have sad times again sooner or later, and I wanted you to know that I fully endorse the occasional, private meltdown!!
God made tears and emotions to help us, not to harm us! In fact, I recently read that tears of sadness clense the body of toxins, so holding your tears back means holding the yucky toxins in, which surely can't be good!
Love the last paragraph!! Feeling are real! Praise God for tears and hugs and friends- even friends who disapear suddenly. I have such good memories of my absent friend. I have faith that I'll see her again. The only question is WHEN??
HUGS for you, sweetheart.
Tracy
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