Been thinking a lot about life. Especially since we've faced so many losses our first 5 years of marriage. I have decided we'll never really find the meaning of life. We just need to figure out how to persevere and make the best of what life gives us each day. God is good, God is great, this we know. He truly doesn't give us more than we can handle and He definitely has a purpose for everything. What would we do without our faith?
Today was a troublesome day. I am in a fog, quite the slump. My business partner's sister is in ICU; following a car accident. Our Beginner Pre-K teacher is in the hospital, preparing for surgery Wed. morning. She lost her sight in one eye and is losing it in another. They found a "mass" pushing on her pituitary gland. It may be a tumor (hopefully benign)or it may be an aneurysm. I am really, really worried about her and feel so bad she has to go through this. She's a wonderful person - and so does not deserve this.
I didn't add to my blog all weekend because it was simple a blah weekend - the only thing we did was go to the funeral home for Uncle Fred. I wanted to keep my blog a happy place - I hate it when there's so much saddness.
So BT took me out to dinner tonight. It was nice, just us. Perhaps just what I needed after an absolutely lousy day.
So I met our (hopefully) new accountant today. She's very down to earth and helpful! Now I just have to work at getting our case load switched over to her without upsetting anyone.
We talked adoption. It was so nice to sit down with someone face-to-face and talk about my story, fears, the wait, etc . . and to hear her story. She and her DH adopted 2 children, both through a private attorney. She endured alot of the same pains we have. But, in the end she has 2 wonderful boys! After a long, at times emotional chat, she left me with a word of advice. . "I've yet to meet a couple who wanted to adopt and didn't, it WILL HAPPEN"! She's so right.
It's a gorgeous day today! :-) Spring may actually be coming! It's so good to hear the sounds of the children playing outside - it seems we've been cooped up for so long.
We heard from our SW yesterday. She left a message on our home machine. I thought it would of been nice of her to at least call me at work and talk to me personally, but... oh well.
Apparently, the birthmom we were being shown to on Friday has decided to parent. Although our SW was sorry to give us the news, she also mentioned it is a good situation (that she is going to parent). I trust her judgement and I am sure she's right - if there were doubts, and she's decided to parent, I cannot hold that against her. But I do wonder why these little "teases" happen to us! It doesn't make sense and it's simply not fair!
And so, we're back to waiting . . . again. I think we're stuck here.
As I am typing this post, I hear the little "click" indicating I have mail. So I took a peek to see what it may be. It was a daily memory verse. I opened it up. The first words I read were "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him". Could it have popped into my mailbox at a better time? I highly doubt it. I am still amazed at how God works, how His timing is so perfect, even during times we doubt Him the most.
We had some trouble with our accountant this year. I wasn't happy, I liked her a lot, a real lot but she was very short and cold with me this year. We had to cancel some appointments with her when my father-in-law was sick and when he passed away. Apparently, she didn't like it. As a result, a different girl in the firm was given our account. I really like the new girl, I feel like we're getting a fresh start, she's very nice, personable, helpful, etc. The interesting twist to the story (and reason I am posting this) is she has 2 little ones at home she and her DH adopted. We're meeting face to face for the first time today - gonna chat adoption, too! I am really excited!
I did not call our SW today. It was a busy/crazy day at work - very little down time. There were a few shorts moments I thought I could sneak a call - but I didn't. Can't explain it. Just hoping, perhaps, I'll hear something from her.
I was thinking about it today- my goodness, when I think about how long we've waited it all seems like a big dream. It's almost as if it's something we're always going to "dream" about but may never come true. Am I losing the "reality" of it all - or am I guarding my heart? My feelings were hurt a few times, when I got the impression people thought it would never happen, as if BT and I were just dreaming. AND..... now I feel like I've become one of the "doubting" people. Why now? Why am I doubting? Why do I feel like giving up? Where is my faith?
Tonight, I feel like running away from anything "adoption".
Tomorrow I will call our SW. I'd like to discuss the bmother situation she called about - see if I can get any additional information.
First, I'd like to clarify something. In the event we are chosen and the bmother changes her mind about placing, I want to be sure we do not remain responsible for the hospital bill.
Second, I'd like to discuss the situation a little more in-depth. I don't understand how Medicaid can possibly pass the financial responsibilty on to the adoptive parents who will not take responsiblity of the baby until it is placed with them. Seems to me, any medical bills incurred prior to TPR would be the responsibility of Medicaid.
Of course, if we need to pay them, we would. It just seems there's a missing piece to the puzzle!
I know she isn't supposed to tell us any more than she already has. But, I believe she'd tell us if we weren't chosen. And if she tells me "nothing" .. I'll naturally wonder if perhaps we were. :-)
Waiting is hard ... Not knowing is hard ... At least with each day we become one day closer to bring our little one home!
I need to admit, publically announce, that I have failed! I need to pick myself up, and start again. I had a goal, to drink 32 ounces of water daily and go walking everyday. I have allowed so many things to get in the way ....not good.
I need to dust off the water bottles and pull out my sneakers! 'Cuz darn it, I need to do this for me! If not for myself, I need to be a healthier, happier me for BT and our upcoming baby!
Yesterday morning, as I was standing in the kitchen, I felt something staring at me. I looked up to find a deer peering in the dining room window watching me. When I looked outside, I found she had 3 friends in the yard with her and a big, fat black cat! Lots of nature in our yard. One of these days I am gonna have the camera handy and catch a photo of her peering in the window.
So today was a LAZY day, I mean REALLY, REALLY lazy. I had big plans. But, we were worn out. . . both of us. We literally did nothing. The drive home stressed me out last night and may have added to why I felt so outdone today. I had Mamma and the 2 girls in the truck with me, some pretty precious cargo and I could barely see the road.
It was rainy here all day. It's getting depressing. Our yard is so drab. I can't wait to get out there and clean it up, do my plants, etc.... it's taking sooooooooo long.
So, our profile was shown on Friday. I try not to think about it, but it seems to come to mind several times a day!!!! It's not like this is the first or only time it's being shown, it's just that we are aware of it (this time) and very anxious. Part of me would love to know, but could I withstand the heartache of knowing we were picked and have her change her mind? I think I am better off not knowing. My patience will pay off, someday!
I do feel a bit overwhelmed. The call was like a "reality check" for me. Whether it's this baby or the next, there will come a day we will bring home a bundle of sheer joy. I have so much I need to do!!! I can't stop thinking of what I need to do at the office and at home. Will I ever feel ready?
The drive down wasn't bad at all. The weather was gorgeous -perfect day for a drive. We made it in about 4 hours, with stopping for lunch. Coming back wasn't so pretty - we drove from point A to point B in a storm - rain, sleet, etc... just yucky! I believe it also took 4 hours - but with no stops. His party was so nice. Sas (SIL) is a great cook. She made homemade baked macaroni, I tossed a really good salad, the kids made garlic bread. Mamma & Poppy also brought Jon's favorite Pizza from Buffalo. He was thrilled!!!! I was good to see them .......
To my surprise, our sw called today and spoke to BT. They are showing our profile (as well as others) to a birthmother tomorrow. Normally, the agency does not contact us each time our profile is shown, but this was a special circumstance. The birthmother comes from a poor county and is on medicaid. Because she is placing the child for adoption, medicaid feels the adoptive parents should cover the hospital bill. The agency is going to fight it, but in case they do not win, she wanted to be sure we'd be prepared to pay the hospital bill. She also mentioned we have an "advantage" because the birthmother is looking for a childless couple .....must be most of the waiting couples already have children?! That's all we know, and all we may know for a while. I so want to get excited!! But I don't want to face another let down so I am really trying to let it go and wait (we're getting pretty good at waiting). I thought about it ALL day - wondering if this is our turn! Lots to think about, lots to pray about. I hope we know something soon .......
Today was just "one of those days" at work. I need to destress ... I need chocolate! ;)
BT and I went to the mall tonight.
Tomorrow Button Nose celebrates her 11th Birthday! We bought her sleepwear at Old Navy and some fun stuff from Claire's. We also bought Apple Jax a few outfits, his birthday is Saturday. Which, by the way, means a trip! And, yes, we're driving 3 hours each way to see him on his birthday. We're not staying overnight, making it a day trip.
Be sure to check back in a few days - I'll be posting birthday party pics!
Last weekend was BT's Dads funeral. We stayed in a very nice inn on the lake. We loved it so much we stayed an extra day to enjoy the view and relax. Saturday afternoon we went for a nice, long walk outside our room. Here are a few pics we took along the way. :-) Click on each photo to enlarge.
This is the place we stayed on Canandaigua Lake, I believe the largest of the Finger Lakes.....
This is the view from our room!!
A few shots we took as we walked along the water . . .
After church my sisters families were at my parents We were able to see the kids dressed in their new outfits. Little Bit's dress was beautiful!
Although we spent so much time with BT's family last week, we decided to go ahead and have Easter dinner with them. I am not so sure we made the right decision - they broke out into a horribly dysfunctional argument. But, that's a story for another time and place. I like to keep my blog a HAPPY PLACE :-)BT and I do need to come to some kind of agreement. In my opinion, Holidays are to be happy times, creating happy memories. Not so sure that's the place I want to celebrate my holidays.
Easter is probably my favorite holiday! I love everything about it! It's so many wonderful things. Perhaps I should write about that sometime.
Easter was .... COLORFUL this year! :-) First.... a few pics. The first pic is BT's Easter Basket - the second one is a smaller one for BT's wife ;0) and the third is Buffalo's Traditional Easter Butter Lamb.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3
My name is Pep and I am married to a wonderful, wonderful man, BT. For 7+ years we've enjoyed the perks of marriage and have walked a long journey toward bringing a child into our home through adoption! We're from Western New York where we enjoy the 4 amazing seasons God has created. BT works in the media as a writer, producing new casts. I am a child day care director, truly the most rewarding job on earth.
As a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, partner, boss, caretaker, bookkeeper, etc...I love life and enjoy the people around me. We believe God is the author of our lives and it's in Him we place our trust believing all things work for the good to those who love God. We are sinners, saved by God's grace.