Friday, September 19, 2008

Me & My Dad ....

I am doing great - taking steps (literally) each day to become a healthier me! I have officially completed a month of walking at least 6 nights a week. And...it feels fantastic! It does wonders for the heart and the soul. The weather has been fully cooperative..... Cool, clear and crisp on most nights. I walk later, so it's rather calm and peaceful. I will miss the outdoors greatly when old man winter hits, but that problem will be solved by our new (to us) treadmill! And, of course, I can walk at the mall anytime, it's so nice and close.

My Dad, on the other hand, is not doing so well. I know we need to accept his quality of life is rather poor, and really there isn't much else they can do for him. But, it's hard.... our hearts want him to get better. He's only 73! To me, that's too young for anyone to suffer the way he's suffering. So why can't they find what's wrong and fix it? Why is everything so unpredictable? Why can't they give us answers? And why is my family enduring such heartache? We've been riding an emotional roller coaster for 8 months. Really, with no good answers. I am frustrated ... he's had a bad couple of days and my heart breaks to see him and not be able to do SOMETHING to make him feel better. I want to fall apart when I see him sobbing. My father who never cried in front of his children - is now helpless and flowing with tears. I know I need to keep the faith. I know it is all a part of God's plan. I know when he leaves us, he will be free from pain and suffering. But still . . it really hurts.

It really is different when it's one of your "parents". It's a loss all of it's own. There will be times I will want to turn to him for answers to questions or share something that happened at work that day. I know I will miss him when our forever baby finally comes home! I will be able to tell my child about "Poppy" but it won't be the same as the experiences the other grandchildren have had, the memories they'll always keep deep in their hearts. I will never forget his anticipation as we would speak of possible situations, or the tears he cried when a situation did not work out in our favor. How easy it would be to become angry and bitter but I know God will give me the grace I need and memories to cherish forever.

Oh, I just wanted to add that we have not heard back regarding the situation from last week. I may call our SW tomorrow to see if there are any developments.

2 comments:

Deb said...

You've got me bawling. I lost my dad suddenly a little over 4 years ago at 56. I hate that we weren't able to say goodbye but I also thank God that we didn't have to watch him suffer. My dad was the strong pillar in our family as I'm guessing your dad is. I'm praying for you. For peace and comfort and special moments and memories with him.
Those memories of him sharing in the joy and suffering of your adoption are great. That will be something you will always be able to tell your child.

Erica said...

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad 4 years ago at the age of 44. There were days I walked into the hospital thinking that I needed to ask him something...that I needed his help. It's so hard because the reality is, we always need our parents. I will pray for you and your family. And I will pray for your dad to have good days, and for strength and peace for you all.

Erica