Notes From BT

Going through such a tough time, I am reminded of how much I love my dear husband, BT.

The night we received the sad news, he left me a note before leaving for work.

It read:

"Tonight you told me why we're probably not getting the baby. I know this just broke your heart. It's breaking mine, too. We need to put some hope into this situation. I know there's not much. But, there's just enough chance that I do not want to give up. If God or the lawyers don't get through to him, I will still pray for our baby. No, I don't want more heartache or false starts, I want a baby. I am willing to go through more of these to get our little one. I'll be here for you- please stay here for me. I love you forever! XOXOXOXO BT"

Tonight, he left me another note.

It read:

" I love you because you still dream! I love you because you have faith and love. I have hope. You told me today about your dream, that showed me you have hope, too. Stick with your hopes and dreams - and stick with me!
Promise? XOXOXOXOX Brian "

He's so brave! And I am so in love with him. :-)

Last Night I Dreamt....

Last night I had a dream. A long dream. You know the type, you wake up and when you fall back to sleep you're right back in the dream? It was beautiful, so realistic.

BT and I brought home a baby girl, we named Molly Jayne. She was tiny, with darker hair and perfectly round, vibrant dark eyes. We were in love.

She was a good baby. I worried I wouldn't feed her enough or change her often because she rarely fussed. The only time she fussed was if we tried to give her to someone else to hold, she would stiffen those tiny legs and fuss so we'd keep her in our arms. Of course, I loved every minute of that.

I was holding her up, talking to her and referred to myself as "Mommy" for the first time. I paused to remember how right that sounded, so natural - and I could finally say it.

I was keeping a journal for her, writing down special things about her. The last thing I remember was telling her I was going to write a journal entry about how beautiful her eyes were.

I swear, I felt the connection, the bond, between her and I, IN A DREAM.

I didn't want to wake up today.

Sunday Night

It's Sunday night. We needed the weekend, the quiet . . . it helped. We're better tonight. We've had a lot of support - friend/family who cried right along with us, who felt our pain and sympathized with us.

I had a tremendous amount of support from BT. Although his heart is breaking, right along with mine, he's been there for me through every tear and doubt.
I love him so much!!!

It would of been so easy to lose hope, to allow our faith to waver. I'll admit, we came close. But when you know the Lord - you're often reminded HE is right there and has the perfect plan for YOU. He had a reason, perhaps to spare us of heartaches down the road. We may never know. What we do know is that we are looking forward to the day we will bring a baby home.
Perhaps that day will be sooner than we think. Perhaps we'll wait a while again.

We went to church again today. I thought it would be difficult. It was fine, actually.

Perhaps we're facing a better week ahead -I hope so.

Waiting, again ....

She returned my call.

Most of it is a blur.

The Director of the agency told her to tell me it is not looking good. They spoke to the attorney before calling me. Apparently, he spoke to the bfather several times (as did the agency) and he is not cooperating with the adoption plan AT ALL. It would take a miracle for things to turn around.

Although I wished I hadn't, I asked if she had the baby. She said "Patti, I was hoping you wouldnt ask that, she had the baby and it is in our care". That stung! How horrible! The baby is here- and we are ready and willing to bring it home. BUT, because he won't cooperate, the baby is in a TLC home. It's just not right!

What is going to happen to this precious baby? Since the baby is in the custody of our agency, I am assuming the mother signed at the hospital. But, she believes she may have to keep the baby, if he doesn't turn around.

So, we're waiting again -

I feel so let down - my whole world is tipped up-side down. BT is sad.

Giving up seems so much easier.

Adoption Talk

Since we have entered a new phase in the adoption process (from "waiting" to "chosen") I have also found a new adoption forum full of wonderful women from all aspects of the triad!
It's rather exciting to meet new people - and to learn so much from them.

Between forums and blogs and e-mail and chat - I am spending way too much time on-line.
I really should be cleaning and organizing and preparing for the baby. But - I am guarding my heart - not knowing for sure what the outcome is going to be. And I am simply enjoying all my internet friends. Who ever would of thunk it? ;)

In the meantime, one day soon, my world is going to take some serious turns. I'll be asking myself - "Why didn't I prepare?"

I Called The Agency :-)

I had a thought, to just go ahead and call the agency this morning. Before I changed my mind, I called. Wouldn't you know, our SW called in sick? :-( I spoke to a very nice woman at the front desk who is going to let her know I called for an up-date! So, fingers crossed, we may hear something this week afterall.

In other news, I saw the endocrinologist yesterday. The nodule on my thyroid is very small and the lab results are all within normal range. For now, she will keep an eye on it, repeating the ultrasound in one year.

Work is very busy today - as we are short by one staff member. I better get back to my duties.

Flying Ace

My nephew is loving PURDUE UNIVERSITY and LOVES to FLY! :-)

Nursery Window Treatments

OK, I thought I would wait, but decided to show off my window treatments! I am so proud of them....and can't wait to finish the rest of the room. I just had to share them with all of you!

One week later ....

A week is a long time (for me) to go without posting a blog entry. I've had good intentions. But, honestly, the adoption is taking up most of my brain space. And, being that there is no news, it's tough. I have mixed feelings about not hearing from them. I love our agency, I love the people and I love their philosophy. But she has not been consistent with me and that is troubling.

We completed the window treatments in the nursery - which is one task off my list. I think they look fabulous. I thought about posting pix, but I think I'll wait until the room is complete.

I am embarrassed to admit this publicly, but BT and I had fallen out of our usual church routine. We estimated we hadn't been to our home church in about 17 months. We've both struggled with it and agreed we need to be involved in a good, Bible believing church with the baby.
So, we went back to the church I grew up in and we were married in. It was great to see everyone - and alot of changes. My sister and her family go there, so naturally our nieces were thrilled to be with us. After church we went to their house for sandwiches and chili. Yum!
So, we're praying about where God wants us. If this is where HE wants us, we'll stay - and BT says he may even join the choir. :-) I am glad we went - it's definitely the best way to start your week. Oh, it's a smaller church, but I did "peek" and see there are little ones in the nursery ;).

No News May Be Good News?

Robin suggested "NO NEWS may be GOOD NEWS". I hope she's right! It's been a long, hard weekend - just wondering why we are not hearing from anyone.

I am not sure how long they have to find him. But I do know that he has up to 18 mths. before the judge will terminate his right, in the event they do not locate him prior to placement.

I am not "banned" from calling the agency. But, I need to respect their policies. The truth is, had they not needed to talk to me about the bfather risk, I would have no idea we were chosen.

And so.... as we begin a new week, perhaps this will be the week we'll hear more.

In the meantime, I continue praying:

1. For our birth mother - a safe delivery and peace upon making her final decision.


2. For our birth father - he will be comfortable and cooperative with her plan.

3. For our agency and all the wonderful staff.

4. For us ... as we wait to bring our forever baby home.

5. For a short wait between the birth and judical surrender.

6. Above all - for the sweet little baby we are all anxiously awaiting! :-)

2 weeks down ...

It's been 2 weeks since we found out we were chosen.

We're dying to know how things are going with the bfather- but the phone remains silent.

I am "thinking" this is a good sign. If he was not cooperating, I would "think" we would of been informed of the risks. Unless, they are having trouble finding him or getting a reply? Something tells me it's the later of the two.

God Does The Impossible

"There are miracles that happen all the time - like Moses parting the Red Sea - and every once in a while God does something really impossible just to remind us that's He is God. He changes somebody's heart."

I read this in a book today, written by Michael*McLean. The words touched my heart so deeply, as I am going through a very rough time. This is my prayer - that God will change someone's heart.

Baby Laundry....

I washed baby laundry this weekend! It's so much fun to wash baby stuff - everything is fluffy, soft and smells so good! Why can't it be this much fun to do our own laundry? ;o)