A Very Hard Decision

Today was just a horrible, horrible day. BT and I made the decision not to pursue this recent adoption opportunity. I know we made the right choice, but it hurts, bad. I was not prepared for all the emotions. Although it hurts .... I learned alot, and for that I am grateful, seriously.

Although I only knew her for about a week - I felt I was able to see the adoption process through the eyes of a birthmother. Although it didn't work out - I will always think of her and her bravery. I have a place for her in the corner of my heart and I will pray for her and the baby. Our agency assured me they have families they will present to her - I can only hope she will stay on board with them and let them help her through this time.

So, we're "waiting" again. And it's seems like it may never happen. I have often reminded myself, GOD IS IN CONTROL. It just seems He is so, so far away. :(

I know, I know ... KEEP THE FAITH and KEEP LOOKING UP!

Good News Regarding My Health! :-)

I've had some concerns regarding my blood sugar.
So, I started seeing a new endocrinologist.
This week, I had a follow up with him.

I lost 9 pounds AND brought my blood pressure back down to "normal".

I credit it to all the walking BT and I have been doing.

Finally, I am on the right road! :-)

Graduation Then and Now ....

Kindergarten Graduation 1995......

High School Graduation 2007 .......

VC's High School Graduation

My boy (nephew) graduated from high school last night! We didn't think we were going to be able to attend, as seats were limited. At the last minute, he managed a few extra tickets from friends who had extras. Just had to share in the celebration! Way to go VC! We love you so much!

Jogging Stroller!

For exercise, BT and I walk - we strive for everyday!! When visiting my brother, I discovered how nice it is to walk with a jogging stroller, instead of a regular stroller. So, I've researched and found the BABY TREND rated very well, without getting into the high-end expensive ones. I've been keeping my eyes open for a "new to gently used". To my surprise a very nice woman contacted me to see if I was still looking! YES YES YES I was. She bought one in April - and soon after her in-laws bought them one. She didn't want to hurt their feelings, so she accepted it and sold the almost new one to me! She told me she purchased it at BABIES R US for $149.99. I went and checked it out! We offered her $75 and she accepted! I am so happy!!!


Now I just need my baby :D

It's A Boy!

The "Needle and Thread" gender selector doesn't always work! I did it on my friend just this week. It was pretty clear she was having a GIRL. At 7:48 pm tonight, she delivered a 7 lb., 14 oz. healthy baby BOY!

CONGRATULATIONS! We're so proud for you!!!!!!

"Wait" by Russell Kelfer

Big hugs and thanks to Kathy and Trace who posted this poem on their blogs!

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"
"'Wait?', you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting. . .for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--but, you wouldn't know ME.

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save. . .(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

~Author Russell Kelfer ~

No Reply...

After I got off the phone with R on Monday - I sent her an e-mail letting her know it was nice talking to her and I looked forward to talking to her again and hopefully meeting soon. She has not replied. Wednesday, she had a doctor appt and would find out whether she is having a boy or a girl. As promised, I called to see how she made out. She did not return my call. I tried again on Friday morning. She answered the phone but asked if she could call me back. I said "Of course, whenever it is good for you". She did not call me back. I believe it's yet another dead end.

1 Boy, 2 Girls?

Have you wondered how many pregnancies and whether it will be a girl or a boy?

Let the needle tell you.

Here is a method that may surprise you.

What to do:

Thread a sewing needle and knot it (so the needle hangs about 6-10 inches from the knot).

Hold your left hand out, palm down.

Hold the knot in your right hand with the forefinger and thumb only.

Holding your left hand still, swing the needle so the needle hits the inside curve of your thumb (where the thumb meets the hand) three times.

Then turn your left hand over and move the right hand over the left, holding the needle just an inch or so above the palm of the left hand.

Hold both hands still and let the needle do the work.

The needle will begin to move:
Circles = girls
Lines = boys

It will stop moving completely in between each pregnancy.

Turn off any fans and make sure circulating air is not affecting the reading. ENJOY!

IF there's any truth behind this - and IF it works for adoptions. . we'll have 1 boy, followed by 3 girls! Anyone else care to give it a whirl?

Well, My Phone Rang Today -

Happy Memorial Day!

I did nothing today...nothing. Just relaxed and it felt great.

I received a very interesting phone call. A friend called to tell me she was talking to her Mom at a family picnic. She was telling her Mom about BT and I - because someone they both know is pregnant and "may" need to make an adoption plan. Her Mom proceeded to tell her that she met a young lady (in her 20's) in one of her EMT classes - she is 6 mths pregnant and wants to make an adoption plan. She lives at home, with her parents and her 2 year old daughter. They called her to tell her about us - and she wanted to speak to me! So, I called her.
We had a very nice chat. She's really sweet, outgoing, friendly and very upbeat. She is going for an ultrasound on Wednesday, so I will call her then to see how things are going. In the meantime she wants to meet us - perhaps this weekend.

Something new to pray about!

Life is good!

Life is good - things are looking good!

Camp Registrations and Fall Before/After Care Registrations are rolling in! Graduation is falling together nicely. And the best news . . . my assistant has offered to come back to work starting next week. She will stay through 'til school starts back up. So, I'll have her for 3 1/2 months. See how GOD works?! :)

We had some papers we needed to complete and send in to the adoption agency - they are up-dating our homestudy. Everything is in, except my medical. I have to wait a few weeks to get in.

I wanted to share today's scripture from Joel Osteen's devotional:

“Because of your faith it will happen.” (Matthew 9:29)

So simple, yet so meaningful. And, it will happen! Our baby will come ....

A Gentle & Peaceful Spirit Is Precious In The Sight of God

I've been thinking alot about my "focus" in life. This was brought on by days & nights of feeling anxious, upset, impatient and disturbed. Being anxious weighs down your heart and creates a certain sadness. Then I began to think about my relationship with Christ. I had to admit I was feeling very far away from God. I knew He had great plans for me. But, sometimes it seemed easier to "ignore" what God is saying than to open my heart and my life to the plan He has made for me. These plans were made even before I drew my first breath!

That, to me, is amazing!

Instead of finding peace, knowing God would provide, I was belly-aching over not having a child to call my own. Seriously, all I want is to be a Mommy! That's not asking alot, is it? But, instead of making my requests known, I was also trying to control how it would happen, when it would happen, etc....

My marriage has suffered tremendously. This isn't the way our life together was suppose to play out. We had a plan! A beautiful wedding, a new home, a baby or two, etc. etc. . Isn't that the all American way? Instead we faced infertility, a long wait for an adoption, very ill parents and several losses along the way (we lost many loved ones, but I'll save that for a different post).

Stress took over and suddenly our "home" wasn't such a happy home afterall. We're working on it, as a team. But it took a lot to open our eyes and focus! I love BT with all my being. With God's grace we can rebuild what was lost.

Thinking! Thinking! Thinking! It has consumed my life. But it helped me to realize what I really needed to do. And that is FOCUS ON MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST. To do this, I had to open my heart and be willing to hear whatever God is telling me. Slowly, I feel my relationship with Christ will grow and He won't seem so far away. I am looking to God for answers to where He wants me to be. I am trusting God to help me find peace. I am trusting God to help me mend my broken marriage. I am trusting God to work on BT's heart, just like He is working on mine.

God is offering me a gentle and peaceful spirit, it is mine, all I have to do is ask! Isn't that amazing? What a gracious and loving God we share!

During this time of "waiting" - I will focus on Him. As I grow closer, I feel confident God will bless our home and our marriage. And, someday a sweet, precious baby will be placed in our arms. From there - I do not know where our life will go. God is at work! :-)

And someday, when I meet Jesus face-to-face, this life of mine, complete with all the trials and tribulations, will make perfect sense!

KEEP LOOKING UP!

Thank You Trace!! You're in my prayers, girl!

Thank you, Trace, for your post! I appreciate the insights, suggestions, support and love! :-)
I know you and Sweetness have faced a lot, as well. I know your hearts ache for a baby - just like ours. And, someday, my friend, we'll have our babies in our arms.

My friend offered me a most precious gift - the gift to carry a baby for BT and I. She has always been the one who understood what we've faced and offered support all along the way. She's that kind of person... and she's a Mom to 3 beautiful little ones! It showed me how very precious this friend is and always will be. I love her to pieces!

My heart was touched - my emotions were overflowing. Her sweet words echoed in my mind all day. I will never forget her kindness and her spirit!

BT and I talked about it but concluded it isn't what we're prepared to do at this time.
We would once again face all the trials of infertility treatments, as the baby would be biologically ours. We put that behind us 3 + years ago and decided adoption was Gods plan. And, that is where we focus. Yes, it's been a long, long wait - but God is good and His timing is always perfect.

Generosity & Excitement

My dear, sweet friend called again today. She wanted to tell me she had a dream she was pregnant with a baby for BT and Me! There was such excitement in her voice as she told me it was the most realistic dream she's ever had. She so wants to have a baby for us - I am touched by her love and generosity.

A True Friend Indeed

I felt this story deserves it's own post.

I received a phone call today - from a dear, sweet friend. She was my assistant at the day care center for several years and is now a SAHM.

We chatted for a while. Then she brought up Mother's Day. She thought of me and knew it had to be hard.

She then said something I never expected her to say. She wanted me to know she is more than willing to have a baby for BT and I. She wanted us to know, if we needed her to surrogate, there would be no question in her mind - she'd do it in a heartbeat! What sweeter gift could a friend offer?

We've had other offers - another friend, my sister and a dear friend in Florida. All of them, equally touched us.

I told BT at dinner - he was speechless.

Although our focus is on the adoption - it's something to think and pray over.

COULD I ASK FOR BETTER FRIENDS? I say NOT!

BT's Birthday & Mother's Day

4 weeks ago, our SW informed us the possible situation was no longer a possibility - the bmother had decided to parent. Since then, no word from the agency. I worked from home today - and twice the phone rang and came up PRIVATE CALLER. My heart sank. But no, neither one was the agency. :(

I haven't posted since BT's birthday! He had 2 great celebrations. First, we went to see his family and visited a PF Changs for the first time, very cool! The next day we went to Famous Dave's with my family, again...very cool! But, there was some sadness on his part. Birthdays are becoming reminders we are only getting older and do not have a baby in our arms.

On Saturday, my sister helped the girls (ages 9 & 11) make dinner for their Mother, Grandmothers and Me. I really didn't want to go but the girls wanted me there because I was "like" a mother to them. How sweet it that? So, I put on a happy face and went. They made chicken legs & pork chops, potatoes, peas, salad and turnovers. They wrote 3 poems, one for Grandma, one for Nana and one for ME. I will come back and post the poem they wrote me.

Mother's Day was hard. I kept busy. I was hoping for a quiet day at home. But, my sisters family came over to do some landscaping for my parents. I was nominated to make dinner.
Kept it easy - pulled pork, homemade baked beans, homemade macaroni salad, kentucky wonder beans, etc... very delicious.

I couldn't help but think about all the women out there who were very sad on Mother's Day.
The ones who recently lost a mom, the ones who lost a child, the ones who would never become a mom, the ones waiting to be a mom, the list could go on and on. It's very sad, indeed.
And... seems so unfair.

Today

Today BT is not a happy camper. His boss informed him they are making changes.

BT is a NEWS writer. As of Monday, he's been assigned to a different show. He will now go to work at 1:00 AM and get off @ 9:00 AM. Those hours simply stink; just don't work with our lifestyle.

This is Sweeps! The ratings are down on the show. Of course they are, they compete with GOOD MORNING AMERICA and THE TODAY SHOW. The boss wants to try to bring the ratings up.

So, BT was Mister Cranky Pants ALL DAY today. I don't blame him.

* * * * * * * * * *

I haven't blogged in a week. We've been so busy - mostly at work. Graduation is approaching, Summer Camp Registration is in progress and I am down a Teacher. By the way, her surgery was a success and she is already home recovering. Still praying her sight is restored.

Good News! I have a "plan" for an Office Assistant. I finally feel really good about one of the current workers. I don't want to jump on it too quickly. But, by the end of the school year I'd like to talk to her about working in my office (fingers crossed).

* * * * * * * * * *

We had eye exams today. Since my prescription changed, I'll be shopping for new glasses. :-)
BT's didn't change; he's happy with the ones he has.

* * * * * * * * * *

We walked tonight, in the rain! I am finally getting back into a routine. I have to. I also have to start testing my blood sugar several times throughout the day and keeping a record of it for my new Endo. I hate it! I hate needles!

* * * * * * * * * *

Wish I had adoption news to share. It's been Q U I E T, very Q U I E T!
We're doing OK - I think?

A little brighter ...

Much better day today! :-)

My business partner's sister is improving ....

And my co-worker had tests today that ruled out an aneurysm. :-)
She is scheduled for surgery tomorrow @ 2 pm to remove the tumor.

Life - Everything Happens For A Reason

Been thinking a lot about life. Especially since we've faced so many losses our first 5 years of marriage. I have decided we'll never really find the meaning of life. We just need to figure out how to persevere and make the best of what life gives us each day. God is good, God is great, this we know. He truly doesn't give us more than we can handle and He definitely has a purpose for everything. What would we do without our faith?

Today was a troublesome day. I am in a fog, quite the slump. My business partner's sister is in ICU; following a car accident. Our Beginner Pre-K teacher is in the hospital, preparing for surgery Wed. morning. She lost her sight in one eye and is losing it in another. They found a "mass" pushing on her pituitary gland. It may be a tumor (hopefully benign)or it may be an aneurysm. I am really, really worried about her and feel so bad she has to go through this. She's a wonderful person - and so does not deserve this.

I didn't add to my blog all weekend because it was simple a blah weekend - the only thing we did was go to the funeral home for Uncle Fred. I wanted to keep my blog a happy place - I hate it when there's so much saddness.

So BT took me out to dinner tonight. It was nice, just us. Perhaps just what I needed after an absolutely lousy day.

Goodnight .....

A Heart Warming Afternoon

So I met our (hopefully) new accountant today. She's very down to earth and helpful! Now I just have to work at getting our case load switched over to her without upsetting anyone.

We talked adoption. It was so nice to sit down with someone face-to-face and talk about my story, fears, the wait, etc . . and to hear her story. She and her DH adopted 2 children, both through a private attorney. She endured alot of the same pains we have. But, in the end she has 2 wonderful boys! After a long, at times emotional chat, she left me with a word of advice. .
"I've yet to meet a couple who wanted to adopt and didn't, it WILL HAPPEN"!
She's so right.

It's a gorgeous day today! :-) Spring may actually be coming! It's so good to hear the sounds of the children playing outside - it seems we've been cooped up for so long.

Back to work ......