I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

I need to admit, publically announce, that I have failed! I need to pick myself up, and start again. I had a goal, to drink 32 ounces of water daily and go walking everyday. I have allowed so many things to get in the way ....not good.

I need to dust off the water bottles and pull out my sneakers! 'Cuz darn it, I need to do this for me! If not for myself, I need to be a healthier, happier me for BT and our upcoming baby!

Lazy, Overwhelmed, Anxious . . . .

Yesterday morning, as I was standing in the kitchen, I felt something staring at me. I looked up to find a deer peering in the dining room window watching me. When I looked outside, I found she had 3 friends in the yard with her and a big, fat black cat! Lots of nature in our yard. One of these days I am gonna have the camera handy and catch a photo of her peering in the window.

So today was a LAZY day, I mean REALLY, REALLY lazy. I had big plans. But, we were worn out. . . both of us. We literally did nothing. The drive home stressed me out last night and may have added to why I felt so outdone today. I had Mamma and the 2 girls in the truck with me, some pretty precious cargo and I could barely see the road.

It was rainy here all day. It's getting depressing. Our yard is so drab. I can't wait to get out there and clean it up, do my plants, etc.... it's taking sooooooooo long.

So, our profile was shown on Friday. I try not to think about it, but it seems to come to mind several times a day!!!! It's not like this is the first or only time it's being shown, it's just that we are aware of it (this time) and very anxious. Part of me would love to know, but could I withstand the heartache of knowing we were picked and have her change her mind? I think I am better off not knowing. My patience will pay off, someday!

I do feel a bit overwhelmed. The call was like a "reality check" for me. Whether it's this baby or the next, there will come a day we will bring home a bundle of sheer joy. I have so much I need to do!!! I can't stop thinking of what I need to do at the office and at home. Will I ever feel ready?

Somebody is 2 .....

What a FUN party! :-)




The drive down wasn't bad at all. The weather was gorgeous -perfect day for a drive.
We made it in about 4 hours, with stopping for lunch. Coming back wasn't so pretty - we drove from point A to point B in a storm - rain, sleet, etc... just yucky! I believe it also took 4 hours - but with no stops.

His party was so nice. Sas (SIL) is a great cook. She made homemade baked macaroni, I tossed a really good salad, the kids made garlic bread. Mamma & Poppy also brought Jon's favorite Pizza from Buffalo. He was thrilled!!!!

I was good to see them .......

Adoption Up-date ...

To my surprise, our sw called today and spoke to BT. They are showing our profile (as well as others) to a birthmother tomorrow.

Normally, the agency does not contact us each time our profile is shown, but this was a special circumstance.

The birthmother comes from a poor county and is on medicaid. Because she is placing the child for adoption, medicaid feels the adoptive parents should cover the hospital bill. The agency is going to fight it, but in case they do not win, she wanted to be sure we'd be prepared to pay the hospital bill. She also mentioned we have an "advantage" because the birthmother is looking for a childless couple .....must be most of the waiting couples already have children?!

That's all we know, and all we may know for a while.

I so want to get excited!! But I don't want to face another let down so I am really trying to let it go and wait (we're getting pretty good at waiting).

I thought about it ALL day - wondering if this is our turn! Lots to think about, lots to pray about.

I hope we know something soon .......

Happy Birthday Button Nose!

Happy Birthday Button Nose!

In case anyone is wondering why I refer to her as Button-Nose, that is what I started calling her as a tiny little baby - and it stuck! Sometimes I call her Button-Butt, she giggles ;)

.

So my little girl is really growing up!

When my sister had her, I was single and living in my own apartment. It was a very happy time in my life - life was gooooood. They didn't live too far from me, so I had the baby quite a bit.

I miss those moments - she was the apple of my eye.

Her party was fun! She wanted her daddy's homemade ribs. Dig (my sis) made cole slaw, beans and sweet potato fries. Everything was yummy, including the delicious strawberry cake.

Important Birthday Are Coming! :-)

Today was just "one of those days" at work. I need to destress ... I need chocolate! ;)

BT and I went to the mall tonight.

Tomorrow Button Nose celebrates her 11th Birthday! We bought her sleepwear at Old Navy and some fun stuff from Claire's. We also bought Apple Jax a few outfits, his birthday is Saturday. Which, by the way, means a trip! And, yes, we're driving 3 hours each way to see him on his birthday. We're not staying overnight, making it a day trip.

Be sure to check back in a few days - I'll be posting birthday party pics!

Canandaigua Lake

Last weekend was BT's Dads funeral. We stayed in a very nice inn on the lake. We loved it so much we stayed an extra day to enjoy the view and relax. Saturday afternoon we went for a nice, long walk outside our room. Here are a few pics we took along the way. :-) Click on each photo to enlarge.

This is the place we stayed on Canandaigua Lake, I believe the largest of the Finger Lakes.....

This is the view from our room!!

A few shots we took as we walked along the water . . .

These last two are photos of boat houses.

These home are built IN the water. . so cool.

Lastly, a "fun shot" of BT enjoying the scenery!

Back yard visitors .......

We have a few visitors who frequently hang out in the back yard. . . they are so cute to watch!

You can tell in the last photo they had enough of me and were running away ...off to the creek!

Easter

So, Easter was nice! At least part of the day.

After church my sisters families were at my parents We were able to see the kids dressed in their new outfits. Little Bit's dress was beautiful!

Although we spent so much time with BT's family last week, we decided to go ahead and have Easter dinner with them. I am not so sure we made the right decision - they broke out into a horribly dysfunctional argument. But, that's a story for another time and place. I like to keep my blog a HAPPY PLACE :-) BT and I do need to come to some kind of agreement. In my opinion, Holidays are to be happy times, creating happy memories. Not so sure that's the place I want to celebrate my holidays.

Easter is probably my favorite holiday! I love everything about it!
It's so many wonderful things. Perhaps I should write about that sometime.

For now - I am off to bed.

Easter Photos of my Kidlets :-)

Easter 2007

Easter was .... COLORFUL this year! :-) First.... a few pics. The first pic is BT's Easter Basket - the second one is a smaller one for BT's wife ;0) and the third is Buffalo's Traditional Easter Butter Lamb.

Taxes or the Broadway Market?

I love my business, but I hate tax time! I don't know why, but it stresses me out every year.

I procastinate . . . then I feel overwhelmed as we approach the April 15th deadline.

Just about everything is ready to go for the business. Tonight, BT and I need to gather our personal information.

Tomorrow morning, we're off to see the Accountant . . . and I dread it. :(
There's so many other things I'd rather be doing.

I'd rather go to Buffalo to the Broadway Market, gathering all the traditional Easter goodies . . . butter lambs, homemade horseradish, polish sausage, chocolates, pastries, etc.

CHECK IT OUT ----> http://broadwaymarket.com/b/news.php

I'd rather be coloring Easter Eggs ....

I'd rather be home, doing things I need to be doing.

I'll be at the accountant's office, instead....

In Memory of Dad

Never to be forgotten ~

May 19, 1947 - March 27, 2007

Chef In The Making...

New photos of Apple Jax doing what he loves doing best!!!

Blog - Block

Ever hear of "writer's-block" ? Well, I believe I have "blog-block" ....
I simply cannot think of much to say. Perhaps there is just too much going on in this little brain of mine. It's been a tough week.

Thursday we spent the afternoon at the hospital with BT's dad. It was sad, very sad.
He's fought so long, and so hard. He's weak, tired and giving up. Refusing all medical treatments, he is now in a Palliative (Hospice) Care room. It was an emotional visit. But a rewarding one, too. Perhaps more on that at a later time.

On a Happier Note:

Yesterday, I spoke to our SW at the adoption agency. It was such a nice conversation, on a very personal level. Nothing about the adoption wait... just a "getting to know you more" conversation. It was nice. . . a nice change. I really do like her, a lot.

I know "liking her" isn't going to bring our baby home any sooner.
But it helps - she's encouraging in her own way. I do thank God for her.

3:30 AM - augh.........

Can't sleep - neither of us can.

Tomorrow will be a LONG day.

BT's Dad

We received the following e-mail from Anne tonight:

Hope this finds you all well. Dad is in the hospital again. He went in Friday with dehydration, and the doctor thought a weekend with fluids would help out immensely, so he admitted your dad. As he became more hydrated, his pain spiraled out of control again. He is on a continuous morphine pump now and has opted to stop all treatment, just to receive comfort care. He is tired and weak and has no fight left. He recieved the Sacrament of Healing and gets daily communion. Our pastor visits daily. He wants you to know he loves you and is proud of the men you have become. If you want to talk to one of us, I have Dad's cell phone with me and am with him most of the time. I'm sorry to have to give you this news, but thought you'd want to know. I love you, too. Take care.
Love, Anne (and Dad)

:-( I hate cancer!!!!

Will up-date more later! Prayers appreciated! (((hugs)))

Psalms 37:4

"Be delighted with the Lord. Then he will give you all your heart's desires." (Psalms 37:4)

Lots of thinking....

I've been thinking, a lot! I want to be sure we make the right choices.

I know it is important (crucial, actually) to remain strong in our faith. We need to believe God has a perfect plan with our current agency! As our social worker said, we may not know it now, but when we receive our little one we will see how God's hand was in this from the very beginning. We will know (without a doubt) God's plan was perfected just for us! She told me she sees it every time a baby is placed in the arms of an adoptive couple.

It sounds like the right thing to do.

I think of Sarai & Abram. They were unable to conceive a child of their own. By letting go of their faith and trying to take matter into their own hands, they created pure havoc. They allowed their impatience to come between them and God by trying to work things out on their own!

And then - I think - are we doing enough? Should we be exploring other options?
Should we be visiting the other agencies - meeting with an adoption attorney?
I do not want to be sorry for waiting so long. We cannot go back and change things -
I want to know I did all I could! :-)

It's a struggle . . . .

It's painful . . . .

I wish I had all the right answers! Or...do I and I don't see it?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My thoughts today turn to our wedding ceremony in 2001.
Through tears of joy, Jonathan presented the Irish Wedding Blessing.....

The Irish Wedding Blessing

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon the fields.

May the light of friendship guide your paths together.
May the laughter of children grace the halls of your home.
May the joy of living for one another
trip a smile from your lips, a twinkle from your eye.

And when eternity beckons, at the end of a life heaped high with love,
May the good Lord embrace you with the arms that have nurtured you
the whole length of your joy-filled days.

May the gracious God hold you both in the palm of His hands.
And, today, may the Spirit of Love
find a dwelling place in your hearts.

I love you both!

Always & Forever ...

My Husband Holds The Key To My Heart Forever!!!

Tonight was a "date night" with BT. Just us :) ! We went to Famous Dave's for dinner (by the way, very fun place and great food), then did some browsing at BORDER's. We're home now, it's late, BT is off.

BT - You're wonderful! Thank you for being YOU! Thank you for holding me when I need to feel your strength and for giving me space when I need it to just be me. This has been a rough road, I am so glad you've been there to travel it with me. Let's not stop dreaming - and remember to dream big! :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!! How did I get so lucky?

Just wanted to add -

I placed a call to an adoption attorney who came "highly recommended" ... Just waiting for him to call me back! All I wanted to do was set up a consultation...but when his assistant asked me who recommended us to him (and when I told her), she said she was gonna have him call us directly. Hmmm....I wonder!

AND ...we're going to a informational meeting at a different agency on Sunday. Just exploring our options. . . that's all.

Adoption Up-Date

I spoke to our SW this morning. It's been a while (2-3 mths) since our profile has actually been "shown" to a prospective birthmother.

She explained to me we are couple # 8 on the "general" list. Which means, there are 8 profiles that may be shown before ours. The reason we were shown in the past was because we are couple #2 on the "christian couples" list and those particular bmothers wanted evangelical Christian couples.

So, I do know we are not being shown at the moment and we are not matched. :-(
The agency has placed 2 babies, so far, in 2007.

The triplets were born in Sept. (3 mths early) and placed with a couple in the same town as the agency and the bmother. They have special needs, but are doing ok. Adoptive parents are doing great!

The bmother who wanted a completely open adoption chose another couple. She has yet to deliver.

Our profile was submitted in Dec. 2004. 27 mths later, we aren't chosen .... 8 couples remain ahead of us.

I am feeling extremely discouraged. I've done very well to be strong, up until recently.
I am not exactly sure where to turn at this point. Do I go on believing our agency is going to place with us? Or, should we begin exploring other avenues?

Our SW suggested BT and I explore our own hearts, and pray about it. She was very encouraging. I believe her when she says God has a hand in it and will bless us in his perfect timing. . . . I REALLY, REALLY DO! In the meantime, it just hurts............ any suggestions?

Up-Date on MEGAN -
Megan is the local gal who had contacted us back in Nov/Dec. She is expecting a boy in April and has decided to parent.

By God's Grace

God's Grace - It is His grace that gives me patience to endure the long wait for our baby.

Thoughts of giving up stir my brain more and more each day. I think of letting go of the anticipation, allowing myself to feel normal, to live in today and not worry about what tomorrow may or may not bring. Would I feel less stressed, anxious and overwhelmed? Perhaps!

I'd be giving up on my dreams. That is just wrong! God didn't bless me with a desire to have children, only to have that snatched away.

And so, I continue to ask God to share His grace with me. Allow me to be patient until He reveals His plan.

God grant me the courage to remain steadfast and strong.

BT and I went bowling tonight. Interesting! Pathetic! Goofy!

But, we had fun, we had "just us" time! It beats sitting home in front of the tv or on the computer. Plus, it was a bargain - games after 9 pm are only $1.50. We snuck a few treats in our coats, took our own shoes and played for cheap! ha!

So, even though we didn't walk tonight - we did get some exercise.

Work was busy today - but it was a good busy. I felt like I had actually accomomplished a lot, with very few interuptions. I did get a few nasty calls from people who need to pay their bill.

It's amazing how when people owe money they turn it around and make you look like the bad guy. That's right, let's put the blame on the child care center who takes care of my children so I can go out and work! Augh!

Tomorrow afternoon I have a meeting with the Superintendent of Schools to discuss building security! I am really excited and anxious to hear what his plans are.

Thinking of Anita.....

3 years ago - March 13, 2004 - I faced one of the most difficult losses of my entire life. I lost a very dear friend, an excellent co-worker, our Toddler teacher, Ms Anita.

3 pm that afternoon, Anita came to my office to say goodnight & have a great weekend. 5 pm that same afternoon we spoke on the phone. 8 pm that evening, her family found her on the floor. Anita suffered a brain aneurysm at the age of 49. I received a phone call, very early the next morning. Sarah, Julie and I rushed up to the hospital. We were able to see her, but she was clinically brain dead - being kept alive because she was an organ donor.
I will never forget it - I held her hand and whispered "good-bye".

Anita was my "right-arm" at work. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her - see her smile - hear her laughter. She was one of the best friends a person could ever ask for... and I was blessed to have her for 16 years!

I miss her terribly ......:-(

Colossians 3:23

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

When tucked away in a wee small corner of your heart - this verse can do wonders to make a difference in a day! :-)

I gave 100% today!

So, I did well today. BT and I walked around the BIG block tonight. I didn't want to go, but my DH persuaded me and I am glad he did.
It was a COLD, brisk walk - it felt good, even if our ears were numb! Did better with water today - and even worked on some stretches with BT!







It's Sunday night - 11:30 pm, but seems like 10:30 pm since we changed the clocks last night. I am not tired ....will need to read help wind down.

My Aunt Carolyn is heavy on my mind today. Her parents are both deceased. She has 2 living brothers, both of whom are on the edge of death. They live in 3 separate states, she has been stretching herself thin trying to see both of them before they pass. I can't wrap my brain around the thought of losing my only living siblings so close together and so tragically.

Aunt Margaret & Uncle Jim were in a car accident on their way to church this morning. He is ok, she has bruised ribs. They had gone to pick up a young boy for church and apparently ran out in front of another car while making a turn onto a main road. THANK GOD everyone is OK.

That's my news for today - besides having a horrible dream this morning. I dreamnt I was in a car with my Aunt. She was behind the wheel, backing the car up... I looked out the rear window and could see she was approaching a cliff. She did not stop in time. We road off the cliff in reverse - the drop was several hundred feet into a body of water. I remember thinking, so this is how I am going to die as I was touching all the windows of the car, trying to escape. Such a tragic dream....... :(

I'd like to vent, but I won't! ;)

I am surprised I didn't post last night - 'cuz I sure needed the "vent"! Things did not go well at work today. I made the decision not to hire the new person. I'd love to gripe and complain, but being that this is a public blog - I'll behave myself.

After a very easy dinner (thanks to slow cooker pulled pork, baked sweet potato fries and green beans) BT and I headed out to run errands and get some movement! We went to BJ's for supplies for day care... and a quick trip to Wal-mart for ant traps! It's a sure sign Spring is coming, the ants are out to play! Augh.

I bought this huge roll of butcher paper - it's about 2 foot wide. I thought it would be fantastic for the children to use at the day care! There's so much you can do with a nice BIG piece of paper!!

So late last night, once BT was off to work, I worked on organizing paperwork - getting things ready to for meeting with the tax lady. It's amazing (and sad) to see how much we pay out in bills per year.

As I was falling asleep last night - I had decided I was going to call the adoption agency and tell them we need to know more information regarding our status. When I got up this morning, I decided to wait. . it's about time I should hear something from her (the pattern seems to be about every 2 months).

Back to work -


Did I mention the sun is shining again today?????

Perhaps a Mother-to-Be's Intuition?

So BT and I are out to dinner. We're sitting there enjoying soup & salad when a very strong feeling came over me. I felt someone was missing, right there at our table. It seemed unnatural to be just the two of us. I thought about it for a moment and another strong feeling came over me - it was a baby that was missing. A baby that should be right there with us, enjoying the restaurant, the walk through the mall, the memories we were making. It was very strong - perhaps a mother-to-be's intuition? I am not sure. All I know is it didn't seem right - our family is not complete. I am hoping this was a sign that we'll be bringing our baby home soon. I love BT with all my heart, BT loves me with all of his - we so want to share all that heaped of love with our child! We're ready ........ so ready.

You Go Girl ..............

It feels great! Not only did I start my stretching routine this morning - we went for our walk at the mall and spontaneously decided to go bowling at Dave & Busters. It was a great time! I am sooo tired and imagine I'll be pretty sore tomorrow. It was just 2 days ago I was at the chiropractor with my back totally spazzing out. So I met most of my goals today. In the water department - I completely failed. Better luck tomorrow. It feels great to be active again and out of the "slump".

The Sun Is Shining :-)

I must add - THE SUN IS SHINING TODAY!

One of the gals from TT is a new adoptive mommy to a beautiful baby girl. Allie if you're reading this CONGRATULATIONS. Your daughter is gorgeous. I am over the top excited for you - you deserve this baby so much. And, of course, I am selfishly very, very jealous! ;)

So, I started a stretching routine this morning. Gosh, I am out of shape! ;)
I'm headed in the right direction though. I already can't wait to go walking tonight. Water, water, water, I need to remind myself to drink plenty of water! Augh, I hate it!

I better get back to work - I am surrounded by paperwork. There are bills to pay, statements to send, vouchers to complete, schedules to do, monthly inspections to complete, etc.. etc.. etc.. The good news is - NOONE CALLED IN SICK TODAY.

Waiting: To remain or stay in expectation of; await: wait one's turn.

Waiting stinks, I am very discouraged.

'nuff said.



My back was much better today - but I can tell it will be a while before it will be all better!

The phone woke me up at 6:30 AM - employee sick call. The phone rang again at 8:30 AM, another employee sick call. The schedule had to be revamped for the entire day.
When I get to work, I discover I left my Jump Drive at home, so what I could do at work was very limited.
Came home early - took care of a few more work related items before going out with BT.
We went to the mall, bought a few birthday gifts, walked (it was officially too cold to walk outdoors) and ended the trip with soup & salad from Ruby Tuesday's. Then home - it's trash night. BT cut his finger on a broken piece of glass ( I dropped and busted my slow cooker into a trillion pieces yesterday). It wasn't bad - not much blood at all. But, to him his night was ruined with all the "gushing blood". Men!

Oh, we interviewed and "try-out" a new applicant today. She seems very nice, eager, enthusiastic -
and she's a "mom" herself, which is sometimes the best experience. We're on a mission - hiring!
It has become too stressful for me to rework the schedule day in and day out because someone calls in or requests time off. Although this may cause some to lose hours - it has to be done. Requests for time off are out of control! Now that felt great to get that off my chest!

It's tough being "the boss"......................

Water, Exercise, Meditation & Music

So I've set some goals for the next 28 days.

1. To exercise at least 10 minutes a day.
2. To drink 64 oz. of water each day.
3. To read my devotionals each day.

Sas has volunteered to be my accoutability partner, which is wonderful.

Sometime soon we will have a new little life in our home. I need to have energy - I need to feel better. I am on my way to a better ME. :-)

So, what does my wonderful husband do for me today? He bought me a teeny-tiny MP3 player.

I am psyched.