Meltdown!

I am surprised I am posting this as I had decided not to. I didn't want to rehash the emotions. But as I read other blogs of "adoptive Mommies in waiting" I could feel their pain, understand their tears and realize it's ok to have a meltdown once in while! Why sweeten it up? It is what it is .. a very difficult and painful journey that will someday find a happy ending. But in the meantime, it just sucks.

Christmas was so hard for many of us. I know my emotions were running in many directions. BT was working Christmas Eve, I was home alone ...surrounded by last minute things to be done. I had a meltdown! Yes, I did. A MAJOR MELTDOWN. Tears, outbursts, you name it.

I was feeling sorry for myself. It's been an incredibly tough year. I've rolled with the punches and done what I needed to get through. I walked the halls of 5 hospitals and 3 rehab facilities night after night, often into late hours. I've seen my father go from a strong, solid man to a completely dependent nursing home patient. My mother's health has declined. And still is declining. Her heart simply isn't doing it's job. My business has felt the loss of my time and energy. My husband has often been cast aside. My closest friends have stood in the background. We had a few adoption situations, none of which placed a baby in our arms. I couldn't help but cry out, "What have I done so wrong?" And I wondered outloud "Why me, Lord?"

God couldn't give me the answers to my questions. It isn't for me to figure out. He did allow me to cleanse my soul, to let go of all those negative emotions. Now it is up to me to continue trusting Him with all my being, knowing He has the perfect plan and the perfect baby just for us! It isn't always easy to Let Go and Let God, but it's certainly something we all need to do. How much easier it will be to leave the worrying to God and enjoy my life the way it is right now! To take the time to recognize and savor the blessings all around us that are too often overlooked. This is truly all He asks of me.

In the meantime, my faith remains..unwavered. And, I am thankful for my meltdown (did I really say that?)

For those of you who are waiting, we share a common bond. Our feelings are real. We are entitled! God is good. Let Go! Trust Him. We'll be ok! Stick together. Cry when you want to! Laugh everyday. Dream! Pray. Call a friend! Hug someone! Make a difference in the world. And...Keep Looking Up! :-)

I'll do the same.

A Neat Story....

This is a neat little story I wanted to put in writing, just because you never know.

A few nights ago I was in bed, BT was working. It was very late and I should of been asleep. A thought came to me. We really haven't decided on baby names! I began to wonder what would happen if we got a call and didn't have a name picked out? When suddenly a name popped in my head (both first and middle). It's a name I never thought about and one I clearly glanced over when browsing baby name books. It's not on my list - but I fell in love with it! I shared this with Brian the next day - and he loves it! We've decided to keep the name a secret! Afterall, perhaps there is something behind what happened!

The next day, BT and I were shopping at Target. While browing the Christmas aisle, I thought about purchasing an angel ornament to hang and leave up until we get our baby. I didn't think it would be so hard to find a simple angel! Finally, I found one small, shiny, silver angel hanging alone. The odd thing is ... I didn't buy it. After holding it and pausing to think about where our little one might be, I hung it back on the shelf and walked away. The next day at work, I received a small package from a family at my center. Inside was the angel I had seen at Target! I couldn't believe it!

Maybe I am being silly, but I truly think these little messages provide hope... that our baby is coming and hope to get me through the holidays!

Just wanted to share.

C H R I S T mas

C H R I S T mas .....

We all (with the exception of my brother and his family) met at Mom's for brunch which included broccoli/cheese quiche, orange french toast, fresh fruit salad, Preacher Ham and lots of sweet goodies. We grew up on Preacher Ham from Mom's hometown Kentucky! We are so thankful they ship hams all over the US... and the service to great!

Our gift exchange was simplified...we drew names. BT and I received a certificate for a night in a Jacuzzi suite with dinner for two and breakfast for two at a new place in town called Salvatore's Grand. Of course, we can't wait to go! It will be a nice break after a very difficult year.

We visited Dad at the home but unfortunately he was wiped out... probably a result of pain meds. He doesn't remember us being there. OH!....BT and I found an awesome 15" digital photo frame! We're filling it with family pictures and setting it to run continuously in his room. He is going to LOVE it.

BT worked Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after. . and he's now working the weekened. We haven't had a chance to celebrate and our gifts to eachother remain unwrapped.

It's been very hard on me to accept his schedule. . always working weekends . . always working holidays. But as those of you in Buffalo already know, they've been letting on-air personalities go and even offered the union employees a buy-out. So, we're just thankful BT is still working and getting the hours. We're hoping and praying all the changes will give BT a better schedule for the new year.

Most importantly, the reason for this wonderful holiday remains the same and has not been forgotten. Christ loved us all enough to send his infant Son to the world; promising those of us who believe in Him eternal life! What better gift is there than that? And to think it was made possible through one tiny child.

Merry Christmas To All ....

And to ALL a good-night!

I am leaving you with just a glimpse of little ones at my center. Christmas truly is all about the children.... As it should be. Afterall, it all started because of one very small child.

Would anyone like to guess who the man is in the Red Suit? ;)

Jaxon & Santa

My adorable nephew with Santa!
Life doesn't get any better than this! ;)
Am I a proud Aunt or what?

Just A Little Up-date

BT called our SW yesterday. If I had to come up with one word to describe the call, I would say "discouraging" would be the perfect fit.

Let me give you a condensed version of our time line:

October 2003 We attended an orientation at the agency. At that time they were accepting applications. But, they were not accepting couples into the "home study" process.

May 2004 We were invited to begin the home study process.

Dec 2004 Our home study was complete.

Jan 2005 We submitted our completed profile, which officially made us "waiters".

January 2005 - Present We've experienced several situations through our agency as well as a few others we were introduced to through friends and friends-of-friends. None of which resulted in us bringing a baby home.

At the end of this Month we will have officially completed 4 full years of being "waiters" ..with a lot of stories to tell.

So, back to the phone call from yesterday.

BT was told the agency placed 8 babies this year (2008). BUT, there has been little to no activity the past few months. None. We have not been shown. We have not been chosen.

WHAT THE HECK?!

Now, it's the holidays, so of course we're really mourning the absence of a child in our home.

Are we feeling emotional? Very much so! Are we a tad edgy? Perhaps a tad ;)

So, I called a private adoption attorney that comes highly recommended.

Left her a message.. and she called me right back.

We had a great conversation. I will be mailing her a copy of our profile for her review.

I look forward to talking to her again soon.

I also sent an email to another attorney who has our profile. It's been a year, so I thought it would be beneficial to give her a gentle reminder we are still very interested.

New Notebook Computer!

I am having a very exciting day! BT found the perfect notebook computer for me. I needed one that was small, light-weight (5.2 lbs) and ultra-portable, without sacrificing all the features I was looking for. And.. I had to stay within a certain budget.



It is going to make life so much easier - I'll be able to work on QUICKSBOOKS and WORD whereever I am . . home, work, nursing home, hospital, etc . . it's gonna make life so much easier.


I am S O H A P P Y ! ! ! Thank you, BT! You seriously rock!

TAG!

Tag!

You're supposed to do the following:

1. Open the 4th picture folder your computer.

2. Choose the 4th picture and post it on your blog.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same

The above photo is the 4th folder, 4th picture in MY pictures folder. It just happens to be 4 co-workers (including my BT <3) in the C.hannel 4 News Room! How cool is that? OK .... I need to tag 4 persons, but encourage ALL my friendly blog buddies to play along!

Let's see, I am going to randomly choose 4 persons from my Awesome Bloggers List to tag:

PeWee http://meekthejerksandme.blogspot.com/

Stephanie http://iansadoption.blogspot.com/

Debbie http://russianbrown.blogspot.com/

Kathy http://kathyskorner4.blogspot.com/

News Room

So this is what goes on in the News Room!
Very early New's Years celebrations?
And I thought he produced news stories! ;)

Finally, A Great Doctor for ME

I've been seeing a new endo for about 2 months now and I think he's G R E A T . Although I was hesitant to start insulin, it really was a good move. Of course, I didn't want to admit I needed it (denial) .. and I always heard once you go on it, you're on it for life. Wrong! It's most definitely reversible. And... the best part is not having the side effects of swallowing pills!
It's not joyful carrying around my tiny, little "supply" bag. Writing down everything is a pain. And... who likes to prick themselves up to 7 times daily (between shots and checking levels)? But, it's working out for me . . so far.

He works with me. I fax him my diary weekly and he calls to let me know what (if any) changes I should make.

He sent me for lab work ... and to my complete surprise the test revealed I am seriously deficient in both Vitamin B-12 and D. I started Vitamin B-12 two weeks ago. Today I start Vitamin D, taking 50,000 units once a week for 16 weeks, then I can change to an over-the-counter dose on a daily basis.

Why am I writing all this? Because I am thrilled to have found a doctor who takes a real interest and covers all bases! :0) No nurses, no PA's... just good old fashioned doctors care (with today's advance technology). I am also eager to see how I feel in a few months.

Ever Roast A Garlic Bulb Whole?

We have a wonderful Greek restaurant BT and I LOVE to frequent. It seems each time we go we try something new. This week we tried the roasted vegetable platter, which was a delight!

For the first time ever, I experienced eating a whole roasted garlic bulb among other delicous veggies . . . mushrooms, banana peppers, red peppers, olive spread, eggplant and pita triangles.

Let me tell you ... I am craving that roasted garlic! So, I did a little googling and was amazed to find out just how easy it is to prepare. Perhaps tomorrow I'll try making my own.

Here are the directions if anyone else is a garlic lover! So yummy.

ROASTED GARLIC

3 whole garlic bulbs
2 - 3 tsps. extra virgin olive oil

Preheat oven to 375

Peel away the outer layers of skin of the garlic bulb, leaving the skins of the individual cloves intact; leave garlic bulb whole.

Using a sharp knife, slice 1/4 - 1/2-inch off of the pointed end of the garlic bulbs, exposing the individual cloves of garlic.

Put the garlic head in a small ovenproof dish, garlic roaster, or pan. Pour 1/2 teaspoon olive oil over the top of each bulb and let it sink in between the cloves. Wait 2 minutes and then repeat with another 1/2 teaspoon olive oil over each garlic bulb.

Either cook in a garlic cooker or place on a baking sheet and cover with aluminum foil (this is great for cooking large amounts of garlic).

Bake approximately 45 to 60 minutes or until cloves are browned at the exposed end and soft throughout.

Remove from oven.

Allow to cool enough so you can touch it without burning yourself. Use a small small knife cut the skin slightly around each clove. Use a cocktail fork or your fingers to pull or squeeze the roasted garlic cloves out of their skins.

Garlic may be stored in a tightly covered container in the refrigerator for several days.





Interestingly, when I further googled "Roasted Garlic" I found this . . . .

It's called R.oasted G.arlic E.press.




Can you guess what's going on my Christmas list? :-)

On being thankful . . .

Thanksgiving wasn't the same. . . it just wasn't. Life has been hard lately. So I took time to reflect and discovered there is so much to be thankful for.

I AM THANKFUL . . . . .

I am a child of God and HE loves ME!

I know Him and can pray for those who do not.

for my wonderful husband who loves me so much and has been my best friend.

for my family who have stuck together unconditionally through such dark hours.

for our home.

for being able to be next door to my parents during the time they need us most.

for still having my parents and the medical community that has made that possible.

for my friends whom I love so much and love me right back!

for girlfriends who let me talk . . and talk . . and talk.

for my wonderful business. It is He who is to be given the praise.

for my business partner and every staff member.

for every child and opportunities to touch small hearts.

for my health and the ability to take care of my body. Exercise is a wonderful thing.

for my silver Rendezvous that's bops me all around town!

for my community.

for living in an area where we can appreciate all 4 seasons.

for the internet, where I met so many wonderful friends (and my dear husband). ;)

for telephones! How can a girl live without a phone? ;)

for good food and diet Pepsi. ;)

AND OF COURSE, I AM SO THANKFUL . . .

for the road to adoption.

for His most perfect plan and the little blessing yet to come.

for the child who will call me "Mommy"

for the small hugs that are yet to come.


And Lord, thank you for the patience and wisdom you've given me.

I marvel at how good You are to me. Help me to be a fine example of your love to others.

Blogger Boutique

My friend, Ragan, from Blogger Boutique, is giving away a FREE Basic Blogger Design; which includes a header (customized with your photo(s) and title), 2-texture background, favicon, signature, post divider, sidebar title image, custom text font, color coordination of your text and installation on your blog!!!

Visit her site at BloggerBoutique.com for details.

Enter by Dec. 1

GOOD LUCK!

I need to post .... something ?

It's been a few weeks. I haven't posted because life is one day at a time in my world right now. My Dad is still very sick . . . very, very sick. He's back and forth between the hospital and the nursing home. He'll likely never have food or drink again and it's so hard to understand what he is saying. He was supposed to be ok, come home again, but just because he was not cared for properly, his life is being cut short. I can not wrap my brain around it. Mom is so down, so afraid ... I can't imagine being her. And as most of you know, she has serious health complications herself. I am having a horrible time, we all are. My emotions are all over the place. I really want to keep my blog happy - while we wait for the adoption. Truthfully, happy is so hard to achieve during such times.

Along with all the stress comes some concerns regarding my own health. I am doing the best I can. . eating right . . exercising . . . taking better care of me. But, the reality is stress can play havoc on our systems. It's tough to control my blood sugar levels, so I am now giving myself insulin shots. I hate it. I am also taking vitamin B-12 since my labs came back I was deficient.

I am working hard to keep a healthy balance between my own needs, our marriage, my parents and my work (in that order). Unfortunately, my work suffers the most.

I've heard NOTHING from our agency (since August). Things must be super slow, cause 3 mths. ago we were couple #2.

I just keep telling myself to keep praying, trusting God, doing what I need to do for the "right now" and someday soon our baby will come and we will experience joy like we've never experienced before. Our little blessing will here soon!

National Adoption Month

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this- so I am putting it out there for anyone else who may want to read it.

Presidential Proclamation for 2008 National Adoption Month

During National Adoption Month, we recognize the compassion of adoptive and foster families as we seek to raise awareness of the need for every child in America to have a safe, loving, and permanent home.

Adopting a child is a great joy and also a great responsibility. Parents are a child’s first teachers, and adoptive families can help children learn character and values, the importance of giving back to their community and country, and the courage to realize their potential. On November 15, caring parents across our Nation will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions and bringing home children in need of a hopeful life.

My Administration is committed to helping young people find the love, stability, and support that a family can provide. We have joined with community and faith-based organizations to raise public awareness of foster children awaiting adoption. With the help of the Congress, we are assisting families in overcoming the financial barriers to adopting children through programs such as the Adoption Incentives Program. In addition, the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids project, which can be found at adoptuskids.org, provides guidance and resources for parents exploring adoption.

During National Adoption Month, we honor adoptive and foster parents who have shown America the depth and kindness of the human heart. Their love and dedication inspire the next generation of Americans to achieve their dreams and demonstrate the true spirit of our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2008 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Election Day 2008

And we picked the best time. We didn't have to wait in line.

All Because 2 People Fell In Love

You asked me earlier if it seems like we've really been together 11 years ( married 7 ) and I told you in many ways it doesn't seem possible, yet at times it seems I've known you forever. That's because I can not imagine life without you, my best friend and soul mate.

When I think about the trials we've faced in our first several years of marriage, I am thankful for you being here with me, sharing the good, the bad and the ugly. I have no doubt we've loved better, grown closer, laughed more and hugged every day because of how our admiration has grown in spite of all the challenges.

God makes no mistakes. His promises are clear. We both know that and we both hold tight to our faith no matter the circumstances. We've been blessed and God has an even bigger blessing He is waiting to present to us in His most perfect timing.

Thank you for holding me up when when I am down and encouraging me all along the way. Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings.

I love you sooo much. XOXOXOXOXOXO

'Ti

Halloween 2008

Our beautiful, sweet nieces! :-) A happy Halloween, indeed.

Pay it Forward!

I have been TERRIBLE about keeping up with my blog and for that I apologize.

Sept. 25, I signed up to play "Pay it Forward!" on THE HARR FAMILY BLOG and I received this from Kim:

I was so deeply touched when I opened the package! Kim, it was so truly sweet and kind. I am just sorry it took me so long to express my gratitude for such a wonderful gift from the heart. I plan to keep the note for our baby book. Thank you so much! Unfortunately, when I went back to see who may have signed up in response to my posting of Pay It Forward, I was unable to find the post. But, I love the concept and plan to make up for it. I'll post what I do!

Finally Feeling A Little Better

I felt better today - Not great - but BETTER! :-)

It was a great day - warm and sunny! Hard to believe exactly 2 years ago we were hit by the October Storm. One solid week with no electric - no heat. Those of you from WNY must recall?

Sorry I've been MIA

It was a very long week because I Feel Sick!

I tried to let it "run it's course" but by Thursday morning, I had enough and felt horrible.


I called the doctor, hoping this time she'd call me in a prescription. Nope! But she did say "come right in".

"Wow!", she says, "You came in just in time"! Just in time for what, pray tell?

"Sinus Infection"

"Right Ear Infection"

"Bronchitis"

ALL THREE.

* sigh *

Hey Girl! What's going on?

I received an email from a friend today. It said "Hey Girl! What's going on?" I wasn't surprised as we haven't had a chance to talk in a while. I thought, "Yeah, what is going on?" Once I starting thinking I realized there is much more going on than I thought. Just thinking about it exhausts me.

Work is .... busy. Not that we have an overabundance of children. But the families we have keep us hopping! I am working steadily to prepare for our upcoming license renewal. All paperwork must be in by Dec. 02. In preparation, I realized just how much had piled up since I needed to be away so often for my Father's sake. So, I take a few evenings a week to work in the office, organizing mostly. In addition, we took the summer off of training, so we're busy planning and taking classes.

Speaking of Dad. He continues to have good and bad days. His good days are usually REALLY good and is bad days are usually REALLY bad. My most recent meeting with the house doctor didn't go so well. "Your Dad is a very, very sick man with many complications. I wish I could tell you exactly what is wrong, but I do not know. There are just so many issues and it appears his body is breaking down. We can do all we can to keep him comfortable . . . blah, blah, blah". He told me Dad was non-responsive and refusing food and fluid. That was on a Wed. On Saturday, we sat in his room while he enjoyed a W.ENDY's F.ROSTY. He was so chatty, it was as if we were sitting in his living room at home conversing. There was no confusion and he asked alot of sensible questions. It just doesn't make sense.... no sense at all.

At home I am working hard to gets things done while we still have a little nice weather.
The pool is closed and the yard is cleaned up for winter. Inside, I am trying to clear out and organize. We have a painter lined up to come in and continue painting where we left off when Dad took ill. We're also getting estimates for attic insulation. It's a must this year.
Once all that is done, I'll have the carpet cleaners come in. Thankfully, if I stay on schedule, I can get it all done before the holidays.

We have family coming in from Indiana tomorrow. My mom's sister and her husband are coming to spend 2 weeks. It is going to be so awesome, for Mom especially. All our extended family live out of town so it's rather exciting when some visit. Vincent, my nephew, is also coming home from college (P.urdue).

BT and I are doing great. He and his brother recently took a road trip to B.altimore for a O.rioles game. They loved it, naturally. He went to T.rader J.oes and brought back some fun stuff.

BT's working a lot of crazy hours. This week has been especially busy with his TV station and the T.ime W.arner negotiations. For those of you who reside in the B.uffalo area, you know what I am talking about.

We'll be celebrating our 7th Anniversary this month! Not sure how we're celebrating; but I am sure we'll find something fun to do.

At the end of the month we're planning to go to the S.teven C.urtis C.hapman and M.ichael W. S.mith "U.nited" concert. It's only an hour drive to the auditorium where they are performing. . and just a skip across town his Mom's. I am very excited!

I had my first ever visit with my new (and wonderful!) endocrinologist. I told my primary care doctor I was looking for an endo who actually sees his patients and takes the time to listen. She sent me in the right direction! He, alone, gave me a good 30 minutes (perhaps more) of his time. No nurses, no PA's .... just good old doctor's care. I dig it! ;) I feel like I am in good hands and hope the changes he is making will work out for me.

No news to share regarding the adoption. One day at a time... right?
Just knowing we're being shown and so close is enough comfort to keep me going and give me hope. God is good. Soon, everyone...soon! :-)

Wow.. that was a mouthful. I need to return to my never ending cleaning spree!

So tell me, "What is going on with you?"
Hoping to get some interesting replies.

The Perfect Evening At Home

BT is home... ALL Evening.

Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere is 2 hours.

Dinner consists of Green Mountain Gringo Chips,
Flat Lime Salsa,
Trader Joe's Chicken Enchiladas,
a dallop of sour cream
and a can of Diet Cherry Pepsi.

Dinner on the coffee table so we can relax on the couch and watch Grey's and the News.

All followed by a very quiet, midnight stroll throughout the neighborhood.

Time to sleep! And ...tomorrow we shall return to responsible living ;) .

P.S. Did I mention I had a NUTRITION class tonight from 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm? I highly doubt the instructor would had approved of our late night dinner. ;)

Today. . . .

I heard from our agency. She called to tell us they have been unable to contact the bmom they planned to share our profile with. Her phone is disconnected ... she is not contacting them.
Not sure what to think other than ... we're "waiting" again. :(

I was late for work because I felt sooo lousy. I finally took prescription Naproxen and a double dose of Claritin and went to work. I was loopy, but accomplished quiet a bit considering.

I found the top of my desk! It was amazing!!!! I've been working hard to get organized and today I could actually see the top of my desk. It looks so tidy!

All was well as the end of the day was nearing. "If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops, Oh, what a rain that would be!" was playing above the sound of laughter coming from the Toddler Room. Through the sounds I hear "Miss Patti!!!!" and could tell the voice was shaken and clearing in trouble. I flew down the hall to find the other Director as pale as a paper plate and waving her hands in distress. CAN YOU SPEAK ?? She shook her head NO. Great, she's choking, right here with little eyes watching. I remained rather calm, in control and was able to help her with just 2 light abdominal thrusts. Thank God! The children were priceless, very concerned and sweet. They just wanted to know Miss G was okay!

Oh! The cutest thing happened. I was walking toward the ladies room. To do this, you have to walk past the children's restroom. From outside the restroom, I hear "Jesus Loves Me This I Know, For the Bible Tells Me So" .... and then I hear the teachers say, "That's a very nice song, Arianna". Oh the small joys of being a Day Care Director. Could there possibly be any other job this rewarding?

I am going to cut this short because - BT IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He left early, early yesterday morning for Baltimore. As a birthday gift to his brother, they went to the Baltimore/Tampa baseball game. I know I should of enjoyed the break. BUT, I missed him, really. I know, we're pathetic. ;)

Good-Night!

Taking The Road Less Traveled...

I found this posted on Sara's Blog

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

BT and I have faced infertility straight on since we married in 2001. We have definitely grown closer, loved deeper and become much stronger. We've continually lifted each other up when the other seems weak. We've found a deeper love and compassion for the Lord. We are still reminded of the big questions "why couldn't we have children? what was God thinking?...etc.." We may never know for sure. But we do know God has a plan for all He does. Yes, we're traveling a road less traveled. But God is true to His promises. So as we travel we know we will be blessed along the way in ways we could never imagine. Yes, when that baby is placed in our arms I will know without a doubt God knows what is best. Lord, I thank you for this journey you have chosen especially for me and BT.

It's official, I am sick....

It's official, I am sick. I've been feeling rather run down, but with all going on I was not surprised. Now my ears ache, throat is swollen and sore and my chest is tight. Whatever made me think I was going to slip through without getting it? It's been floating around the day care.
No wonder I fell asleep 3 times today!

I need tea. . . . .

We Will Be OK....

Just yesterday, we were called to the nursing home. Dad's doctor wanted to speak to us. I took the afternoon off and headed in to listen as the doctor gave us the news. "Your Dad is very, very sick, there is no quality of life. He is seriously anemic and non-responsive. He is refusing food and drink. We can take him to the hospital for a transfusion, run tests to find out why he's anemic, but really we won't be gaining anything. Or we can keep him here where he is comfortable until he passes. As a family I need you to think about these things. In the meantime, I have started antibiotics".

When I arrived at the nursing home today - my Dad was sitting up in bed, watching TV. He was totally communicating with us. He even asked BT for a Frosty and he ate the whole darn thing! His color was back - nice and rosey. Fever was normal. He went to therapy twice! Now, I am not saying he was healed, but he was so much better than the day before.

I really don't know what to think of all this. We leave it all in God's hands.. taking each day as it comes and appreciating each moment we have with him. Thank you all so much for caring enough about me to remember my Dad in your prayers. God is so good, His promises are sweet. We will be ok.

Me & My Dad ....

I am doing great - taking steps (literally) each day to become a healthier me! I have officially completed a month of walking at least 6 nights a week. And...it feels fantastic! It does wonders for the heart and the soul. The weather has been fully cooperative..... Cool, clear and crisp on most nights. I walk later, so it's rather calm and peaceful. I will miss the outdoors greatly when old man winter hits, but that problem will be solved by our new (to us) treadmill! And, of course, I can walk at the mall anytime, it's so nice and close.

My Dad, on the other hand, is not doing so well. I know we need to accept his quality of life is rather poor, and really there isn't much else they can do for him. But, it's hard.... our hearts want him to get better. He's only 73! To me, that's too young for anyone to suffer the way he's suffering. So why can't they find what's wrong and fix it? Why is everything so unpredictable? Why can't they give us answers? And why is my family enduring such heartache? We've been riding an emotional roller coaster for 8 months. Really, with no good answers. I am frustrated ... he's had a bad couple of days and my heart breaks to see him and not be able to do SOMETHING to make him feel better. I want to fall apart when I see him sobbing. My father who never cried in front of his children - is now helpless and flowing with tears. I know I need to keep the faith. I know it is all a part of God's plan. I know when he leaves us, he will be free from pain and suffering. But still . . it really hurts.

It really is different when it's one of your "parents". It's a loss all of it's own. There will be times I will want to turn to him for answers to questions or share something that happened at work that day. I know I will miss him when our forever baby finally comes home! I will be able to tell my child about "Poppy" but it won't be the same as the experiences the other grandchildren have had, the memories they'll always keep deep in their hearts. I will never forget his anticipation as we would speak of possible situations, or the tears he cried when a situation did not work out in our favor. How easy it would be to become angry and bitter but I know God will give me the grace I need and memories to cherish forever.

Oh, I just wanted to add that we have not heard back regarding the situation from last week. I may call our SW tomorrow to see if there are any developments.

New Look & Lurkers

I gave my blog a "new do" tonight. It was simpler than I thought - and I really like it. What do you think, my blogger friends?

I see my blog has guests from all over! I'd love to know who you are - where your from - etc. .
Please, come out of lurking and post a comment!

40 Tips for a Better Life

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. while you walk, smile.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,
'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more and read more books.

7. Make time to practice meditation.
They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants;
eat less food that is manufactured.

11. Drink green tea; plenty of water.
Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds and walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your home, car, desk; let new energy into your life.

14. Don't waste precious energy on gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts
or things you cannot control. Invest energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like
algebra class;lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid
with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'.
You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:
'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business; and shouldn't matter.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.
Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
I am thankful for __________.
Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World andyou certainly don't
want a fast pass. You only have oneride through life so make the most of it.

40. Pray everyday! God is right there waiting to share life with you!

Prayer Appreciated

I spoke to our worker today. Our profile is being shown, along with 4 others.

It's a "unique situation". She wanted to be sure we were ok with it.

Prayer appreciated. :-)

Remembering 9/11/01

A fun night....

BT and I had a "date" night tonight. We went into the city for souvlaki - it was yummy and gave us a change of scenery. There's something about going downtown that's just FUN and ROMANTIC!

Just how many cups of FREE coffee can you collect in one day? Well, we have a card from D unkin' D onut for FREE medium coffee on Wednesday. OK, I was in a good mood and just wanted to have fun, so whenever we saw a D unkin' we stopped, by the end of the day we had collected 7 cups of coffee at no charge! It sounds like alot, but with 3 of us (we brought 2 back to Mom) it went fast.

Then we went to the Mall to walk. I hadn't been to the Mall in a long time.
They've added on soooo much.

It's really beginning to feel like Fall and I am lovin' it! Hoping to make it to the nursery this weekend for some pretty mums!

When I was walking earlier, I received a text message....A family friend gave birth to a 7 lb, 6 oz. baby girl today. Hoping to have pictures soon! I am soooo happy for her.

Although I walked tonight- I feel like a little more! I really missed walking outdoors. The air is cool and crisp.. I think I'll go enjoy a tad more. Before we know it, the snow will fall.

Walking ...

It's been about 3 weeks since I started walking again! Although my jaunts are short -averaging 20 minutes per day - I feel so much better. I am being extra cautious not to overdo it (due to my back problem) but I will slowly build up to 30 - 40 minutes a day.

I go for blood work in one week. It will be rather interesting to see the "hopefully" positive effects on my blood sugar.

Anyhow, the purpose of this post was to announce I have a treadmill now! I don't need it now, as I really enjoy walking outdoors, but come winter, it's going work out fantastic. Now, I am thinking a small tv - one of those super flat ones you can mount on the wall! I'll be all set!

Creative Abilities of a Preschooler

My friend sent these photos to me as a picture message on my cell phone. Since I have yet to become a Mom, I learn all the "tricks" through my friend's children, children in my day care and my own nieces and nephews. Apparently, this is what 3 year olds do during afternoon nap! Now..that's creative, in my opinion!

Up-Date on Baby Girl

I heard from our mutual friend again....apparently there is a "cousin" interested in adopting the baby I spoke of last week and they are trying to work out the details. From what I understand, the adoptive couple desires a completely closed adoption and the grandmother wants to be very active in the babies life. I hope they are able to make an agreement that works well for both, most defintely what is best for this little baby girl. My heart aches for the baby and I am praying for her . She needs to be placed in the arms of her forever Mommy and Daddy.

I also spoke to our agency this week. Our worker was very upbeat when I spoke to her- although she can't say much, she hinted a lot was going on. It felt good - felt right.

I believe God used this past week to show me I truly have not given up - my hearts yearns to bring our forever baby home as much now as ever, perhaps even a little more. And, God is faithful -

The past few years have been very difficult for us. We've faced many, many challenges with our families. As I look back at the "big picture" I can see how God has worked in our lives and He does know what is best. I look forward with anticipation and His plan is revealed.

It's been a few days...

Just thinking, it wasn't meant to be.... again.

How many losses must we face to bring our baby home?

It's just not making sense.

Perhaps I need to sleep.

Keeping The Faith ... And Praying!

V EXCITING NEWS!!!!!!!


Although I could not decide if I should post this, I've decided there's really no harm in telling the story, so here goes.

Over the weekend, I announce to BT I need to give up on the adoption. The wait is just too hard and and is effecting me emotionally & physically. I suggested we start thinking of other interests, things to do with our lives. Please know my heart is breaking as I am telling him. But, I just wanted the ache to go away.

Then a few days later, I tell him I'd like to have a Puppy! I want something small, loveable and one that doesn't shed too much.

I upset my poor DH terribly. Bad enough he cried and asked me to please not give up!
He said, "I want a baby, I do not want a puppy!"

Then out of the clear blue sky, I get a phone call. It was someone I know professionally, but over the years we have become good friends. She knows someone who has a newborn and is seriously interested in making an adoption plan. She shared some of the details, of which I am not comfortable posting on a public blog. But anyhow, she told her all about us! She called to see if we are interested? Why sure we are! I gave her the OK to give them my phone number. My friend called me back again yesterday to say they are very interested in talking to us, but they asked for a few days. My friend really believes their decision is a very solid one.

I am trying not to get too excited, as we've been let down so many times before. But, the truth is I am very excited. It all sounds too good to be true!

I keep thinking about how just a day or so before I told my DH I needed to give up.
How many times I've heard when you're ready to give up, good things happen!
Could it be?

I also know I'll be ok if it doesnt work out. I'll know it was God's way of showing me I truly wasn't ready to give up!

KEEPING THE FAITH ....and PRAYING! Y

Butter Finger Ice Cream Sandwich Cake

I just thought I'd share a fun recipe! It's easy and so delicous!
Your friends will wonder how you did it.





Ice Cream Sandwich Cake

About 20 ice cream sandwiches
1 20 oz. container Cool Whip
1/2 jar caramel topping
chocolate sauce
2 Butterfinger Bars-crushed

Layer the bottom of a 9x13 baking dish with 10 ice cream sandwiches and cut any to fit. Layer about 1/2 jar of caramel sauce over the sandwiches. Layer 1/2 the container of Cool Whip. Sprinkle one crushed Butterfinger on the Cool Whip. Layer more ice cream sandwiches to fit. Cover them with the chocolate sauce. Layer the rest of the Cool Whip. Top with the other crushed Butterfinger Bar. You can top with additional sauce if you would like. Cover and freeze until firm.

I've also made it without the caramel and chocolate sauces - another delicious, yet not so sweet, treat!

No Act of Kindness, No Matter How Small, Is Ever Wasted

Kindness: –noun 1. the state or quality of being kind 2. a kind act; favor: his many kindnesses to me. 3. kind behavior: I will never forget your kindness. 4. friendly feeling; liking...

I received a special package in the mail today. One of my blog friends, Debbie, sent me a Pooh outfit her beautiful daughter Isabel had outgrown. I was very touched by her thoughtfulness.

Thank you, Debbie, for being so thoughtful, your kindness will not soon be forgotten.

We Won A Gourmet Lunch!

Recently, I entered a contest on a local radio station website. The contest was for an "Office Break". The prize was food and dessert from a gourmet bakery. All I had to do to enter was tell them why our office deserves a break! I don't remember what I wrote, but it must have been good, because we WON!

Wednesday at noon, the Morning Show Host delivered lunch and dessert to me and my employees! The photo is of the morning show host and a few of our providers.

So fun!

Cuteness!

As I looked around the nursery recently, I realized there is a lot of cuteness going on. So I decided to get "up close and personal" with the camera. I'll start by sharing "The Silly Ole' Bear" accessories. I think Pooh is grand! Can you tell ?

I bought the Classic Pooh Switch Plate many years ago, kept it stored in my "hope chest".


Photo Holder!









This print will hang on the wall above the crib.
It was a gift from one of my employees.









These are already hanging on the wall
as you walk in the room.












The many faces of Pooh! Mostly gifts
we received throughout the wait. Now you know
what I've been doing with my time - collecting Pooh Bears!
There can never be too much Pooh!










Classic Pooh Shape Sorter we picked up on one
of our many T A R G E T excursions.












This Baby Pooh is very special!
It was a Christmas gift for baby from my Dad.
He bought it after we announced we were adopting.
The denim hat was a gift from my sister!













An "up-close" view of the window treatments.
Somewhere on this blog you can see the whole window!












Handprint/Footprint Frames
Another great buy from T A R G E T!












Lamp/Bookends/Pooh Books
I had the bookends in my room when I
still lived at home with Mom and Dad.











Classic Pooh Night Light....
A gift from Uncle Jonathan and family!












More Pooh ................




















And ..... plenty of Pooh Banks for College Fund! ;)